Harriette Cole: Should I keep quiet about my friend’s teen daughter?
I don't want to cause drama but I worry about the young woman's activities.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently discovered that my friend’s 19-year-old daughter is posting explicit content on a subscription-based website.
My friend is not aware of her daughter’s activities, and I am afraid that she will be devastated if she finds out.
I don’t want to cause any drama or harm their relationship, but at the same time, I don’t feel comfortable staying silent. I also worry about the potential consequences that this could have on the daughter’s future and reputation.
What should I do? Should I talk to my friend about what I found, or should I stay quiet?
Tricky Situation
DEAR TRICKY SITUATION: By all means, talk to your friend, but do so with caution.
Let her know you have something very sensitive to discuss with her. Tell her you believe she needs to take it in and think about it before reacting. Get her to agree. Then show her what you have discovered. Seeing it for herself will be disturbing, but it will also be undeniable.
Suggest that she not reveal who told her; this way, you have the opportunity to continue to monitor her daughter’s behavior if she blocks her mother from all social media platforms.
Otherwise, just listen and be there for her. This soon-to-be distraught mom cannot control her adult daughter’s life, but hopefully she still has enough influence to appeal to the daughter’s thoughts of her future. If the wrong person sees these posts, her future could absolutely be in jeopardy.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is constantly putting herself down. She cannot seem to take a compliment.
Even when she gives compliments to others, she follows them with a put-down comment about herself and how inadequate she is in comparison. It’s really frustrating and heartbreaking to hear.
She’s been in therapy for a while now, but clearly it isn’t helping her self-esteem. How can I support and uplift my friend without feeding into the low-vibrational comments she makes about herself?
Love Yourself
DEAR LOVE YOURSELF: This is a tough one because you must take care of yourself first. That means that for now, you have to limit your interaction with this friend.
By taking her in small doses, you can support her without falling into the melancholy state that she cannot release. When you two are together, encourage her to talk about her ideas.
Stop her when she compares herself to others. Literally interrupt her when she starts in on the self-criticism. Redirect her to explaining or describing what she’s working on or thinking about. Tell her you want to know what’s in her mind. You don’t care about other people right now. When you can get her to focus on herself, everyone will benefit.
When she falls back into being overwhelmed by self-doubt, take your exit. Don’t stick around for that part of the engagement. This doesn’t mean, by the way, that you are abandoning her. It means you are taking care of you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.