Miss Manners: I let the hostess know I was angry at her. Was I rude?
She has tried to contact me since, but I said what I needed to.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a lovely handwritten invitation to attend a formal ladies’ luncheon at my friend’s home. Of course I accepted, and was looking forward to getting dressed up, as I don’t have many chances to do so.
I told another friend of mine about it and she said that it sounded very nice, that she didn’t really know many people who had those kinds of parties and that it must be nice to be invited to it.
A few days before the party, I called the hostess and asked if I could bring my other friend (they do not know each other). She said no.
I got angry. I told her that I would not be attending, since my friend would not be welcome at her fancy little shindig.
She tried to talk to me about it, but I just hung up. I haven’t spoken to her since, even though she has tried to contact me several times via email and phone.
Now everyone is telling me that I was very rude to even ask to bring another person in the first place.
Where I come from, we go by the motto “the more, the merrier,” and we don’t snub someone just because we don’t know them.
GENTLE READER: Funny, you don’t sound merry.
You sound like the very reason that so few people attempt to entertain.
Such an event requires planning: compiling a guest list of people who will enjoy being with one another, selecting a menu that will be pleasing and suitable, and creating a style that the guests will like. Instead of appreciating all this work for their benefit, guests, all too often, attempt to mess with the arrangements.
You wanted to bring your own guest. Others may attempt to dictate the menu, or to disparage the formality (such as your referring to it as a “fancy little shindig”). All these types of interference are common now.
Why should one bother to entertain such demanding and ungrateful people? Miss Manners is glad to hear that this hostess was not intimidated enough to give in, as many are. The only puzzling part is why she is still trying to get in touch with you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is it these days with restaurant workers saying “There ya go” instead of “thank you” when they hand you your order?
I expect to say “thank you” back to the person, but it just seems like a ridiculous one-way street of courtesy in response to “There ya go.” Now I just say nothing and leave. Any better ideas?
GENTLE READER: Should the response to “There ya go” be a reassuring “I’m going, I’m going”? Meaning that they say “go,” and you go?
No, probably not. Restaurant Speak, which spreads mysteriously to a variety of establishments everywhere, is a language of its own. Normal people did not use to refer to eating as “working on that,” or call their favorite drinks their “beverage of choice.”
Neither you nor Miss Manners can retrain restaurant staffs. All you need to say when you leave is “goodbye.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.