Ask Amy: We set our Christmas boundaries, and they called us chilly
Dear Amy: We are dreading the approaching holidays.
My husband’s brother and his family (wife and two kids) want to come and spend up to 10 days with us.
They have done so in the past and it hasn’t been a problem, but both my husband and I now work remotely from a home office.
We asked if they could limit their time spent here to a few days because it is difficult juggling work and having guests for an extended period.
They were miffed and accused us of being unwelcoming.
How do we set appropriate boundaries and let them know they are welcome, but that it is burdensome to accommodate their request for a longer stay?
– Burdened
Dear Burdened: You already let these family members know what your boundaries are regarding this holiday visit. Good for you!
They reacted rudely to you stating these boundaries – bad for them!
If you are still at all interested in hosting this crew, as the holidays approach you can contact them to let them know: “You are welcome to stay with us for the nights of December 23, 24, 25 (or whichever nights you choose). After that we need to go back to work in our home office, but there is a nearby Airbnb (or hotel, motel, or other family members), if you want to stay in the area longer. Then at least we could see you on some evenings, if that would work for you.”
A 10-day hosting marathon for a family with children over the holidays is extreme, even if you’re not hosting them in what has become your home-based workplace.
Dear Amy: I’m a 16-year-old girl. I just started my junior year of high school. I’m doing a pretty good job so far.
My dilemma is that I’m worried that I’ll never lose my virginity in my 20s because I don’t have “experience” yet.
Whenever I read about people saying that they don’t want to be with a virgin, it makes me feel even worse.
I’ve never been kissed, and I’ve never had a boyfriend, so whenever I think about it, I get upset and my mind starts to spiral.
Sometimes, with the way things are going now with dating, I think I’ll never find someone without wearing revealing clothing or hooking up with every guy I meet.
I know that you’ll probably say, “Just focus on school.” Which I am trying to do since I’m aiming to get all A’s my junior year.
But for me, when you don’t have any relationship experience and you don’t want to settle, just to lose your virginity to any boy, it tends to be frustrating, especially with what boys these days are like.
What should I do?
– Teen With No Experience
Dear Teen: I read a recent study stating that roughly half of kids your age (girls and boys) have had some sexual experience.
This means, of course, that half of kids your age have not. (A smaller percentage of kids are sexually active in their teens than in recent years.)
My point is that you are not alone.
So, yes, focus on school. School is what you know, school is what you can do well, and so you should do what you know – and do it well.
Understand also that any sexual experience you seek should be your choice, and not what you think others might choose for you. Absorb this concept and let it empower you. You are in charge of your own life.
The most positive early sexual experiences start with positive relationships. Work on maintaining healthy friendships with other nice and smart kids who, like you, are figuring it out.
Dear Amy: I wanted to follow up on the lady leaving her estate to some but not all of the members of her family [“Favoritism Hurts”].
While I do agree with your direction regarding the letter, I was surprised that a much bigger issue, in my opinion, wasn’t addressed.
That is the impact of that decision on the family beyond just the financials. Providing life-changing money to some, but not all, must have an impact on the relationships of those family members left behind.
I’m not one to suggest exactly what the correct division of assets is, but the extreme nature of the split, sprung upon them in surprise, may very well cause a complete division within the family. I would hope this is not the goal of her decision.
– Pete in Peoria
Dear Pete: An important point. Thank you.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.