Harriette Cole: I can no longer be silent about this messed-up family
How do I address their incivility without coming off as disrespectful myself?
DEAR HARRIETTE: With the holiday season approaching, I am struggling with how to deal with my family.
I come from a strict household that allows little freedom. Many of the adults are blatantly disrespectful toward me, my siblings, my cousins and each other.
It is hard for me not to speak up, but I do not want to come off as disrespectful. I have tried to bring it up to my parents before, but they often find a way to shift the blame or dismiss the issue entirely.
Ever since I started noticing these comments, I have not enjoyed the holidays or spending long stretches of time with my extended family.
I am an adult now, so technically I do not have to go, but I do not want to cut off contact from my family. I do not know how to combat their hurtful words without raising my voice, but I cannot be silent any longer.
How do you suggest I confront a family member without coming off as disrespectful?
— Family Drama
DEAR FAMILY DRAMA: Plan out your time before you head to be with your family.
As an adult, you can go for part of the visit but not the whole time. If you can afford it, you can rent a hotel room rather than stay in the family home. Or stay somewhere other than the main residence so that you have a built-in getaway.
In advance of your visit, reach out to the relative who bothers you the most. Assume the positive. Say that you will be joining the family for the holidays and you look forward to a positive experience. Ask your relative to be kind. Explain that when they speak harshly to you and other family members, it is hurtful and makes you not want to be there.
Yes, this is risky, but somebody has to stand up and demand respect. Do so calmly and without judgment. You can say that you worry that the family will grow apart if the negativity does not die down.
Ask your relative to help to make the gathering a wonderful experience for all. Your positivity may ignite some softness in their approach.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m excited about attending a media networking event, but I’ve had negative experiences with similar events in the past.
How can I present myself confidently and make strong connections, especially when I tend to be introverted and am in the early stages of my career?
— Putting Myself Out There
DEAR PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE: It’s all in the planning.
Learn everything you can about this upcoming event before you get there. Research the focus of the event and the guest list. Look for photos so that you will recognize key faces when you enter the room.
Pay attention to current events that may be applicable to this activity. Walk in with ideas about what you want to learn and say to others so that there can be a natural flow of conversation.
Be ready to state your name and something interesting about yourself, and be prepared to ask informed questions. People love to talk about themselves. Get them talking, and you can relax and listen.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.