Harriette Cole: My husband comes home late, and I think I know why
Plus: Should I use my bonus to take a trip without my wife and kids?
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m reaching out to you for some advice regarding my family situation.
My husband is constantly coming home late from work. He and I both work full-time jobs, and we have four children, who are 4, 6, 7 and 10 years old.
I am also the breadwinner of the family who makes significantly more than him, but I somehow make it home every day at 5 p.m. to cook dinner for my children, clean the house and put them to bed.
I feel like he is purposely staying late so he doesn’t have to take care of the children or do any work around the house.
I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and I’m concerned about the impact on our family dynamics.
How can I communicate my feelings to my husband and find a balance that works for both of us, ensuring that our children get the attention and support they need?
If this goes on any longer, I might have to consider separating from my husband.
— Off-Balance
DEAR OFF-BALANCE: Sit down and talk to your husband.
Suggest that the two of you create a plan that is better balanced for the family. Point out that right now he gets home so late that you are left with handling almost all of the family and household duties, and it simply is too much for you to maintain.
Without mentioning the difference in income — which will be unnecessarily hurtful — point to the toll it is taking on you to have to shoulder all of the responsibility. Ask him to come home earlier and agree to specific tasks.
Encourage buy-in by inviting him to make a calendar of activities with you that includes dinner, homework, bath time and housework. Write down specific tasks, and put each other’s initials next to them. Check them off when completed.
If he doesn’t do anything, you can point to the calendar to show how heavy the lift is for you. If he does, commend him and ask him to continue.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I received a holiday bonus and planned a family trip for the New Year, but considering our budget, it’s looking tight.
My wife suggested that I use the bonus for a solo trip, leaving her to manage our three young kids — ages 2, 4 and 6 — for about five days.
I’m conflicted; I want to honor her suggestion as it was my bonus, but the idea of leaving her with all the household responsibilities and our little ones makes me feel extremely guilty.
Should I cancel the trip and use the money to get extra holiday gifts for the family? I’m torn and would appreciate some advice on the best way to handle this situation.
— Bonus Time
DEAR BONUS TIME: The kindest thing you can do is to create some peaceful time for you and your wife rather than just stealing away on your own.
Hire a babysitter and plan a romantic dinner for two where you enjoy each other’s company off the clock. You could schedule a spa day where each of you enjoys relaxing services that pamper you. Or plan a spa day for her and something else for you.
Use your bonus to invigorate both of you. In the end, you will feel energized, and it should bring you closer because of your thoughtfulness.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.