Miss Manners: I got fired for calling someone ‘dear,’ so why can women get away with it?
I've told my boss I won't travel to parts of the U.S. where I face this behavior.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I travel for business. There are places in your country where women address all men as “dear” or “sweetie,” and no amount of requesting to stop will break the cultural norm.
Having been fired from one job for addressing a female co-worker as “dear,” I resent women in these places refusing to stop addressing me as such. To them, I am the one in the wrong.
Part of my issue is that my beloved wife of many years has never called me “dear.” She’s the one woman I would like to address me as such, but she thinks it’s a foolish thing to do and won’t.
It bothers me enough that I have told my boss that I won’t travel to those areas of the country anymore. As he is a good boss and I am an excellent employee, he does his best to give me assignments outside the “dear/sweetie” territories. Am I being too sensitive?
GENTLE READER: Small wonder that you are indignant about being expected to endure the same sort of behavior for which you were fired. But Miss Manners would have thought that having been on both sides of this, you would be more understanding.
Presumably you meant nothing predatory when you addressed a co-worker as “dear.” Nor can you suppose that the Southern ladies who call you by endearments are lusting after you.
Therefore, should the use of endearments in impersonal situations be considered innocent? Surely you must have thought so when you got into trouble for it. And yet you are seriously offended by being on the receiving end, to the extent of requiring changes in your professional life. Why?
Because, as you point out in connection with your wife, this is the vocabulary of love. To use it in situations where there is no personal relationship is, if not threatening, at least patronizing.
No doubt you are familiar with the argument that this is just an example of warm Southern manners, not to be taken seriously. The same was said about endearments as a mere expression of innocent masculine appreciation, not to be taken seriously.
But sometimes it was meant seriously. Your co-worker may have thought so.
And that is the difference between your opposite experiences. You encountered an annoyance, but not a danger. Regardless of gender, many people are annoyed by this, as it is commonly used to patronize the old — and not only in the South.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who I know from others has recently undergone very disfiguring facial surgery due to cancer. There has also been substantial weight loss.
I have not seen this friend in person yet, but when I do, how should I greet them? It seems rude to mention the obvious surgery and weight loss, but on the other hand, it seems uncaring not to note that something very unpleasant has happened.
What is the polite thing to say?
GENTLE READER: “I am delighted to see you.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.