Ask Amy: My husband’s ploy leaves me lying awake at night
Plus: Beer is not enough compensation for my dog-sitting.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for three years. We have been planning to have a child within the next couple of years.
My problem is that it seems like every time we have a serious argument, he threatens to leave me. Sometimes he does leave the house for a couple of hours, and when he comes back he is calm and apologizes for leaving.
We don’t actually fight that often, but this is how he always seems to end the argument – either by threatening to leave, or by leaving.
Sometimes when he is upset he says, “Why don’t we just get divorced?” and I find that very upsetting. Sometimes I lie awake in bed, worrying about our relationship.
I really do love him, and when things are good, they’re great. I’m just not sure how to respond to this.
Your take?
– Worried
Dear Worried: My first piece of advice is to not have a child until you and your husband find ways to resolve your differences without threats of divorce.
This is the nuclear option, and this threat will have a cumulative and very negative effect on your marriage.
Resolving arguments peacefully and learning how to “fight fair” are vital skills in marriage.
Your husband might be bringing in tactics or techniques he witnessed in his own childhood. When he fights this way, he is really revealing how scared and wounded he is.
You two would benefit from professional counseling. Committing to working on this together would be a huge and positive step for him.
Dear Amy: Friends ask us regularly to watch their dog and never offer us any compensation. We are not asking for cash, but a gift card would be nice.
They ask us to do this every year for one week in the summer, and then other periods throughout the year, usually lasting for a few days, and sometimes for several days at Christmas time. We live very nearby.
As former dog owners, we understand the work and time involved in managing dogs for a week.
We also understand the related costs with dog boarding, house sitting, etc. For pet owners, we know these costs can add up.
Reciprocity has been minimal at best — a 12-pack of beer, for example. (This neighbor is a minimalist who also borrows lots of things from us.)
While we don’t mind dog-watching, it really bothers us that they don’t realize our time is valuable and that a cursory thank you is not enough.
We are friendly with four families on this adjacent street and attend a regular Friday gathering. We have other neighbors in this group who gave us a $100 restaurant gift certificate for pet-sitting. We feel that they “get it.”
We’re looking for the best way to approach the conversation, as we are long-time friends and do not want to affect the relationship.
Any ideas?
– Dog Tired
Dear Dog Tired: What you call “minimalist,” I call “cheap.”
The way to deal with this and also preserve the relationship is to be enthusiastic about your willingness to do this for them and very straightforward about your terms.
Given that you also pet-sit for other friends (you’re obviously skilled, trustworthy and responsible), why don’t you go into business for yourself?
You can register as a pet-sitter/walker on a site like Rover.com, set your rate and be compensated consistently.
As you know from your time as a pet owner, reliable sitters are worth their weight in kibble. Having a friend and neighbor provide this service is added value.
Before the next time they come to you to schedule this “favor,” put the word out with your Friday friend group that you’ve registered with a pet care site as a way to continue to do this thing that you enjoy – and to make some extra income.
Offer to send them a link to your page on the site. You can offer them a “Friend and Fido” discount if you’re inclined. If they decline to book you – no problem!
Dear Amy: “Frustrated Mom” was upset because her child’s friend came over and the two girls trashed the playroom. (Mom blamed her child’s friend.)
I agree with your advice to the mother to have her daughter clean the room.
I had a rule for my kids, which was either you ask your friends to help you clean up or you have to clean up yourself.
It also helps them realize who a true friend is!
– Experienced
Dear Experienced: This is a great rule.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.