Harriette Cole: How can I come to grips with my mom’s troubling past?

DEAR HARRIETTE: As a daughter, it’s tough for me to deal with finding out about my mom’s past actions that led to how my family is today.

I feel a mix of emotions — sometimes I want to be mad at her, but I also love her as my mom, even though I barely felt her affection and support as I was growing up. It’s hard to balance these feelings.

I’m not sure how to move forward in our relationship with all of these conflicting emotions. Any advice on how to figure out what to do next would really help me.

— She’s Still My Mom

DEAR SHE’S STILL MY MOM: Your mother deserves your respect as your mother, regardless of her past actions. That does not mean that she gets a pass for hurting you or the family.

Assess where things are now. What do you and your other family members need that your mom isn’t providing? Do you think it’s possible for her to offer those things? Do you have a way of becoming independent from her or of finding ways to engage your other family members to help bear the load of whatever your mother is not handling?

Now is the time to be practical and forgiving. Over time, you may be able to address her past actions with her. Use this time now to secure your own safety and future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have regarded an individual as a close friend since our elementary school days. However, it has come to my attention that her negative demeanor has led to others disliking her.

Despite my unwavering defense of her in the past, I now find myself pondering the appropriateness of maintaining this friendship. After all these years, witnessing this unfavorable aspect of her character raises the question of whether it is acceptable to consider ending our friendship.

Will I be a bad person if I cut her off?

— Bad Friends

DEAR BAD FRIEND: How is this person treating you? Has she been mean or disrespectful to you directly? Have you witnessed what others have accused her of doing?

Before you do anything, assess what you actually know has occurred with this person. Being sure of someone’s behavior before taking the drastic step of cutting them off is the least you can do.

Beyond that, you owe it to her to have a conversation. Sit down with her and express your concerns.

With as many facts as you can gather, explain that some troubling behaviors of hers have come to your attention, and you want to address them with her. Offer her clear examples of what you have witnessed or heard, and give her a chance to address each one. Find out what happened and why she behaved the way she did, if in fact it is true. You will have to decide whom to believe if she denies everything.

Let her know that it is disturbing to you that a number of people you trust and admire have pointed her out as being extremely negative. Ask her what’s going on in her life and if she needs help.

Rather than walking away, at least right now, see what you can do to support her. Over time, you can decide if the friendship is over.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.