Ask Amy: How do I tell my boyfriend I don’t ever want to go to his house again?
I'm not a clean freak but what I saw was appalling.
Dear Amy: I am a middle-aged single woman and recently started seeing a man my age.
I was married for 20 years, and he has never been married. My two children are in college.
He is a really sweet, smart and respectful man. We share a lot of common interests.
He recently invited me to his home for the first time and … it is fairly disgusting. Not just messy, but very dirty and unhealthy – with food waste and dirty dishes and pots on the counters.
I’m unsure about what to say to him about the state of his house. I truly don’t ever want to spend time there. Until then we had always gone out or come to my house, which is clean and fairly nice – like in a normal sense. (I’m not a clean freak or anything.)
Should I tell him about how I feel about his house and ask him to clean it up before I come over again?
– Recovering
Dear Recovering: Your guy invited you to his house. Presumably this visit was planned, and he was putting his best foot forward.
He is a mature person living in the world. He is making choices about how he is living. I’m not sure asking him to clean his house would be useful.
You should be honest about where you choose to spend your time: “I’m not comfortable in your house; it is too messy for me to feel at home there.”
I do think it’s important that you understand the reality of a future with someone who doesn’t take good care of himself and his surroundings.
I hope you will continue to enjoy his company, but don’t kid yourself that you will be able to inspire him to live differently.
You’ve had experience in a long marriage. If you two end up cohabiting, you will end up being continually frustrated by his poor life skills.
Dear Amy: Some of my family members are going to have a mini family reunion in a few months in Paris, where my brother lives.
My brother’s son and wife and their two young children will be flying to Paris from Istanbul, and I will be flying in from the USA. We will be staying at the same hotel.
Several times my brother has mentioned that his son and family are coming to Paris “especially to see the uncle from America.”
So, in light of those repeated comments, do you think it would be necessary or rather the right thing to do for me to pay for my nephew’s hotel bill during their week’s visit in Paris?
And, yes, I can afford to pay – but do I need to?
– Dan in LA
Dear Dan: Thank you for asking a question that will be met by a universal sigh: “What a nice problem to have.”
Your nephew and family are traveling for a family reunion, which will include his father (grandparent to the children). Presumably these family members have spent time together previously.
I infer that your nephew and his wife have not spent much (if any) time with you and that their children have possibly never met you.
You can imagine their excitement and curiosity about meeting their American uncle.
Your brother is passing along this family’s excitement, not asking for you to foot their bill or implying that you should.
I don’t read anything in your narrative that should lead you down this path, but if they are in need or you want to be generous in this way, then paying for their hotel bill would be a very kind thing to do.
Otherwise, I hope you will bring some small gifts from Los Angeles, perhaps take them to lunch or to a museum in Paris, and – if you all hit it off – you could invite them to visit you in your home, and foot the bill when you do.
Dear Amy: “Pondering Papa” asked about unmarried couples sleeping together while visiting a parent’s home.
Decades ago, when my live-in boyfriend and I visited his parents, his mother stated that while she knew that we were living together and sleeping together, in her house we would not: “My house, my rules.”
Several years later when his parents visited us, I said that I had put them in separate rooms because now it was “my house, my rules.”
We all laughed for many years about that. I still miss them!
– Grateful DIL
Dear Grateful: Having a sense of humor definitely helps.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.