Asking Eric: I’m keeping my burial plan a secret, even from my wife

Dear Eric: I am very much enjoying the second time around following a long and less than joyful first marriage.

My problem is plans for burial.

All of our children are terribly against our marriage even though both of our spouses were deceased at the time we met. Our children have virtually no relationship with us now, and if there is any contact it is ugly.

I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife. My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband.

I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored.

My wife’s mother is buried with her second husband, using her last name at the time of her death, and her father is buried with a subsequent wife, so there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father.

How do I get what I want?

I have not discussed any of this with my wife. If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife. She has done that for less.

If I am to get a plot, I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply.

While living I would feel great joy if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity.

Am I being silly to not just take the easy route?

– Burial Conflict

Dear Plans: You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love. And – this might be controversial – you don’t have to tell your kids.

If you have virtually no relationship as it is, you certainly don’t need to bend to their wishes. It seems there’s no pleasing them, anyway.

In general, it’s better to communicate about final wishes and plans for one’s end-of-life in advance. This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while you’re still around to answer them. But the conflict that’s roiling your family complicates things.

Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage, I can’t say your kids are completely wrong, but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning.

Perhaps they’re struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief, perhaps there’s something else going on that I’m not privy, too. Either way, the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now.

Once you’re both on the same page, you’ll know what the next step is. That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor. (That last part is probably wise regardless.)

There would still be a lot of complications, of course. Namely, one of you will predecease the other and at that point, presumably, the kids would find out the plan. So, while you are working on doing what brings you joy, I’d also encourage you to get down to the root of what’s going on with your kids.

Dear Eric: I have a few words of encouragement for the young lady whose grandmother had developed dementia (“Loving Granddaughter”).

My mom passed away 20 years ago from Parkinson’s disease and dementia. I am in my late 70s now, but I remember my experience like it was yesterday.

This loving granddaughter should visit her grandma as much as possible. Take that time to learn all about her grandma. Talk with her and ask a lot of questions about her life.

While mom was alive, we thanked God for the time she spent with us. Her life was much more interesting and fascinating than I ever knew. Her childhood, her adolescence, her marriage to my dad, their families, the world during her life, and much more. It gave me great insight into mom’s thoughts, life and her dreams.

Interestingly, the staff at the nursing home told us that we were quite unusual in visiting mom every day because many families never visit their elders but rather dump them off and leave them.

Embrace this time and give thanks that you have this time with her before she is gone. God bless this young lady for caring for her grandma so much.

– Loving Son

Dear Loving Son: This is wonderful advice. Many readers responded to the letter in similar ways. Others suggested using photo albums or music to start conversations or pull back older memories, which may be more graspable to more recent events.

One reader also suggested the book “Creating Moments of Joy” by Jolene Brackey. I’ve found it to be a wonderful resource.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.