Asking Eric: I was fuming the entire flight. Could I have asked for a partial refund?
Dear Eric: On a recent crowded cross-country flight with no empty seats, I was between my girlfriend to my right and, at the window, a very large man (300 pounds, I’d guess) whose arms and legs took up at least a quarter of my tight space.
He said nothing by way of acknowledging his size or apologizing if he was spreading into my assigned area. I didn’t say anything either – and what could I have said?
What’s the etiquette here? Should I have asked the flight attendant for help? Requested a partial refund? I truly felt like there are some people who are simply occupying too much space in the world, but of course it’s rude to say so.
Is this something one just has to tolerate if one expects that sooner or later someone for some reason may find me equally annoying? I was inwardly fuming the whole five-hour trip.
– Flying and Fuming
Dear Flying: You should have called over the flight attendant and said, “I seem to think I’m the only person in the world. Could you help disabuse me of this notion?”
It is perfectly acceptable to ask someone – regardless of their size – to mind the divisions in airline seats, especially if you’re in the middle. But, when you start policing other people’s bodies, which is what’s going on in your letter, you make having “the wrong body” a crime. Those quotation marks are locked in place because the definition of “the wrong body” is a slippery slope.
The other passenger didn’t owe you an apology for being. If he was spreading into your area, a simple conversation could have defused your fuming and reaffirmed your shared humanity. You don’t exist in a vacuum, even when sealed in a metal tube that’s hurtling through the air.
Moreover, no one is “occupying too much space in the world.” If you don’t want to be bothered by the burden of existing with other humans, next time buy a second seat, or the whole row.
Dear Eric: Six months ago, new neighbors moved onto our street. They fenced in the front and side of their corner lot and keep their large dog outside all hours of the day and evening.
The dog barks constantly, and all of us adjacent neighbors are extremely annoyed.
No one wants to say anything to them as otherwise they seem like nice people and were friends with some of the neighbors prior to their move.
None of us understands how they can be so clueless, but the barking is becoming intolerable. What might we do?
– Want My Peaceable Street Back
Dear Peaceable: I know it can seem like bringing up an issue like this with otherwise good neighbors can risk disturbing the peace, but, as you’re experiencing, the peace is already disturbed. So, now the good neighborly relationship is marked by resentment.
In the interest of resetting the balance, I’d encourage you to talk to the new neighbors, one on one. You can be clear about what things are like on your end, and what you need while still being kind.
It’s possible that they’ve grown so accustomed to the sound of the dog barking that they tune it out. By sharing your experience with them, you’re giving them a chance to be better neighbors to you and better dog owners to their pet, to boot.
There are plenty of solutions. Maybe the dog needs more stimulation to keep it occupied in the yard, maybe they can arrange for more indoor hours for the dog.
If they are, as you say, nice people and have friends in the neighborhood, they’ll want to know that something they’re doing is creating such a problem.
Dear Eric: In a recent column you wrote, “Sometimes, when our opinions about people change, any little thing they do can become a point of annoyance.” OK, I get it. And yes, it has happened to me.
So, how do we deal with that emotional response? Is it maturity? Is it to expand our nature to tolerate?
– Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty: Acceptance – of ourselves and others – is a good first step. Accept that you feel annoyed by a person. You have feelings and you’re allowed to feel them. And accept that they are who they are and they’re under no obligation to change to fit your mood.
I find that empathy often follows. When we stop seeing other people as obstacles to our own happiness and start to see them as fellow travelers, we open the door to a deeper understanding of why they’re acting the way they act or how they see the world and we can experience empathy instead of annoyance.
Does this mean that you’re going to like it? No indeedy-do. But this thought process can help put others’ behavior in context.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.