Harriette Cole: Are you kidding me? The wife who wants to date doesn’t deserve sympathy

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your column in my newspaper every day, and normally I agree with the advice you offer. However, your response to “Wife’s Guilt” sent me into orbit.

This woman has a husband with dementia, and now she wants to date. Are you kidding me? What part of “until death do us part” does she not understand?

Your advice to talk to a counselor and join a support group was smart, but you really let her off the hook for being such a selfish witch. She’d better hope for more caring people in her own life if she finds herself in a similar situation someday.

— Unbelievable

DEAR UNBELIEVABLE: Thank you for sharing your opinion with such candor. I totally get your perspective. Personally, I agree with you.

An acquaintance of mine was the caregiver for his wife with Alzheimer’s, and he had a lover who helped care for her. He was public about his decision to move on. I was uncomfortable with his choice, especially making it everyone else’s business.

That said, I did a lot of research before answering the person who wrote in. What I learned was how harrowing and lonely life can be for the caregiver of a spouse with dementia. Their world often narrows tremendously, too often leading to mental and physical illness.

I am not encouraging the idea of having a lover, but I do have tremendous compassion for the caregiver who is going through this situation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My oldest daughter is preparing to head to college in the fall.

She has worked so hard over the years — as a student and as a sister. Her father and I spent a lot of our time working, and she picked up the slack with her two younger siblings. She never complained and always made us proud with her grades and her kind heart.

She’s earned a scholarship from her dream school, which covers tuition but not room and board. Although she hasn’t said so, I know she’s been looking forward to being on her own for a change.

I want to help make this happen, but even with her scholarship, travel and year-round lodging are expensive.

My husband and I are considering taking out a second mortgage on our home, but we wonder if this is worth going further into debt for, especially when we still have two other children who will also be going to college eventually.

Would a local or more affordable school be so bad? I don’t want to disappoint my daughter, but I feel torn.

— Indebted Mom

DEAR INDEBTED MOM: Talk to your daughter. Encourage her to consider a state school, which is likely much more affordable, if only for the reduced travel. Look into whether you can afford to help her get an apartment if she stays at home so that she can have some independence.

If she is set on this other school, consider student loans. Yes, they have to be repaid, but they do make it possible for students to matriculate and pay for their education over time. She should also look for more scholarships from other businesses and organizations; there are lots out there if you search!

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.