Dear Abby: I’m trying not to respond to her cruelty but the insults rattle me
DEAR ABBY: An old friend of 50 years has recently been diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s.
She’s still conducting her life as usual, driving and taking care of her banking, etc. However, she has lost her filter and talks to me about my figure (“Your thighs are shockingly thin”) and my health (“Are you going to die? My mother had a cough like that, and she died”).
I am struggling to control my anger at her presumptuousness and holding myself back from some very apt and mean comebacks. I don’t seem to be able to let this go.
I don’t want to abandon her (I took care of my husband with dementia for 17 years), but at the same time, I don’t need to spend weeks spinning after her insensitive and cruel comments. Any ideas?
— INSULTED IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR INSULTED: If your friend is still well enough to “conduct her life as usual,” she is also well enough to be told that you don’t appreciate her comments.
You don’t have to jump down her throat, but do tell her that if they don’t stop, she will be seeing less of you. When her Alzheimer’s worsens, you may have to repeat it or redirect the conversation away from you.
DEAR ABBY: My parents got into an argument because my father saw my mother looking at an old photo of herself from when she was younger. (It had been sent by her cousin via text.)
In it, she was sitting next to “an ex-boyfriend or friend.” My father thought it was disrespectful; my mother didn’t agree.
Mom thought it was trivial for him to get upset since the photo was taken 45 years ago, when she was only 18 or 19. It was way before my mother had even met my father. Later, she mentioned to Dad that she remembered seeing an old picture of him and his ex-wife dressed up for a concert. He denied it, and she didn’t get upset.
She told me later she doesn’t regret receiving the picture because she no longer has romantic feelings for my father. You see, my parents are not legally married; they are just roommates splitting the bills together.
I don’t know how to feel about this. I don’t want to be involved, but they both have come to me separately expressing their feelings about it. What are your thoughts?
— IN THE MIDDLE IN TEXAS
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: I suspect that your father was less upset about the arrival of that 45-year-old photo than he is about the fact that your mother no longer has romantic feelings for him.
I also think you should stay out of this and no longer allow yourself to be put in the middle, which is what your parents are trying to do.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.