Dear Abby: After the gaslighting, he wants me to trust him again
DEAR ABBY: For nearly 30 years, my husband and I shared a close, trusting marriage.
Months ago, I caught him lying about meetings he was having with a 35-year-old colleague. Then I discovered months of ongoing texts.
When I asked for an explanation, he became angry and defensive. His explanation was it was work-related, that I was too controlling and that I was making a big deal out of nothing.
Because I believed this was not a trivial situation, I pressed for some resolution. Unfortunately, further discussions were heated, with no resolve, just more withdrawn behavior while the communications continued.
Recently, he informed me that he realizes his behavior was unacceptable and he has ceased the communication. He said he loves only me, and he wants me to trust him again.
My problem is, after all his secrecy, lies and defensiveness, I can’t do that. He now carries on like nothing has happened, hoping to regain my trust. But for me, the trust has been broken.
After many years of what I thought was a loving marriage, I was blindsided. I have always valued your advice, so please help me to put things in perspective.
— BLINDSIDED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR BLINDSIDED: For nearly 30 years, you had what you thought was a solid relationship with your husband. It is now apparent that he screwed up royally.
My question to you is: What do you want from now on? It is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity, but it will take work from both of you. Do you want to sacrifice what you and your husband built together and forge ahead on your own?
Your husband cannot act like nothing has happened, because something did. If the two of you are open to healing your broken marriage, it may require the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist, and it may take some time. The ball is in your court.
DEAR ABBY: “Carole” and I have been friends for 30-plus years.
Her marriage was great as long as her husband wasn’t using drugs. When he was using, he would abuse her verbally, physically and emotionally. He passed away, and she’s now dating an abusive alcoholic. When he’s not drinking (which is, maybe, three days a month) he’s very sweet.
I have tried telling her that she’s enabling him, but she says she “loves” him. How can I get her to open her eyes before something bad happens?
— WORRIED FRIEND IN ARIZONA
DEAR FRIEND: What Carole really means when she says she “loves” this addict is that she needs the companionship he provides, and she’s willing to put up with the abuse for three good days a month.
Health care providers are required to make a report if they provide medical services to a patient who they suspect is suffering from an injury due to abuse. But short of hauling her to an emergency room if he physically abuses her, there is nothing you can do to “save” her.
Let her know you are there for her in times of need and give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.