Asking Eric: I’m dismayed by my Christian granddaughter’s personal style
Dear Eric: I am so disappointed in my 18-year-old granddaughter. She recently got a tiny cross tattoo on her arm. I dislike them and hate seeing people covered with ink.
She went to a Christian school her whole life and is accepted at a Christian college and lives a Christian life.
I know it’s her life but, having been close to her from birth, I now feel I don’t know her and the trends she accepts. Tattoos, long fake nails, bleached hair that has ruined her once-lovely brunette, short tight clothes that are barely there, skimpy bathing suits — the list goes on.
It is a slippery slope for what’s acceptable to younger people today. How far will we slide in society before we stop? What should I do to turn her around?
– Disappointed Grandma
Dear Grandma: Your reaction to the tattoo suggests that she’s sliding into a wild depravity, but the tattoo itself – a small cross – doesn’t seem to be a symbol of that.
I don’t know the details of the “Christian life” she’s living, but even with the long nails and the short clothes, your letter paints a picture of someone who is not sowing wild oats. Maybe something more akin to overnight oats.
Respectfully, I encourage you to relinquish some of the control that you want to have over your granddaughter’s life and choices. She isn’t “covered in ink” and even if she was, it’s her body, and other people’s opinions about her body, including yours, are not appropriate.
If you don’t respect her enough to let her explore her own path at 18, it will be harder to have a loving and supportive relationship as she continues into adulthood.
Hair grows out, nails come off, clothing trends change. Her choices are not indicative of a society on the verge of collapse. They’re age-appropriate experiments that happen in every generation, just with different trends.
Think back to when you were 18. Even if you still approve of all the choices you made, it’s not hard to imagine that someone two generations removed from you did not approve. What would have been more helpful for you then? Disapproval and reprimand, or a “live and let live” approach that saw you for who you were on the inside?
Try to connect to your empathy when it comes to your granddaughter. Empathy will lead to curiosity. And curiosity leads to connection.
Dear Eric: My sister-in-law is ill and not expected to live much longer.
My brother has already commented that he is looking forward to traveling with my wife and me after she passes since we have common interests (think golfing vacations) and all get along well.
The problem is he isn’t comfortable with silence, and he always has to be productive. These traits are not exactly relaxing to be around.
How do I respond when he inevitably asks if he can join us on a golfing vacation?
– Wants to Be Kind
Dear Kind: Proactivity is going to be your friend here. Just as you’d be proactive about planning the logistical details of your vacation – hotel, golf courses, flights, et cetera – you can be proactive about planning the vibe.
This way, you don’t have to wait for him to ask to join you. You can lead the conversation on what joining looks like.
Start from a place of possibility. Have a conversation that starts off with the premise “Yes, that might be a fun idea, now how can we make it work together?” Then don’t be afraid to talk about the things that you like to do on vacation and invite him to think about the ways that the things that you like and the things that he likes can coexist.
For example, if he is an early riser and you are a late sleeper, you could tell him that the group should plan to meet up for lunch most days and not before then.
When I go on group vacations, I tell my friends that by the third day, I need about six hours of solo exploration time. And on the third day, I go off on my own, I have an adventure, I buy a trinket and I come back refreshed. No one feels upset about this because advocating for what I need in advance doesn’t come across as rejection of the group.
Setting a boundary in a relationship isn’t about pushing the relationship away, it’s about preserving the relationship.
He likely knows about his proclivity to chat and keep busy. He might want to invite a friend who also likes to talk.
Think of the vacation as a menu: You don’t all have to dine on the same dish, but it’s better to choose in advance rather than wait to see what the kitchen brings out.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.