Harriette Cole: I just want them to admit the truth about my childhood
DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger brother and I grew up in the same house but had very different experiences with our father.
As kids, I always felt like Dad was harder on me. He was quick to criticize and slow to show affection while my brother seemed to get the best part of him.
Now that we’re adults, I thought we could finally talk about it, but every time I bring it up, my brother shuts down or gets defensive. He insists I’m exaggerating, defends our father’s behavior and sometimes even turns it back on me, saying I’m being “too sensitive” or “still holding a grudge.”
My brother seems unwilling to understand my point of view. I’m not trying to tear down our dad, but I feel so isolated. My dad insists that he treated us the same — no exceptions.
How do I make peace with the fact that my own family may never acknowledge my feelings in this way?
— Split Decision
DEAR SPLIT DECISION: Your family is stuck in its way of being. They cannot see beyond the moment and are not willing, at least right now, to consider your perspective. That’s OK. Find somebody else to talk to — namely a therapist.
You are at the perfect point in your life to talk about your past and present with a professional who can help you process your feelings and experiences. This is how you can free yourself from whatever pain you are holding onto.
That doesn’t mean that you will resolve how you were treated as a child with your brother. Your family may never be able to see what you are saying or talk about the past, but you can and should evaluate your life, process your experiences and develop healthy ways to live today, regardless of how they behave.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend has just experienced a major loss. Her grandmother passed away in another country, and she won’t be able to make it to the funeral.
She and I have been best friends for almost 16 years, and I am just noticing that within that time frame, she’s never experienced death in her immediate family.
My friend is a reserved person, so even when I asked her how she was doing, she didn’t tell me. Her sister shared with me about the loss; my friend only told me that she wasn’t having a great week.
I gave her my condolences, but I want to be able to support her even if she may not want to discuss it. Are there any other ways I can offer my love and support without being pushy or invasive?
— How To Grieve
DEAR HOW TO GRIEVE: Don’t push your friend; that will aggravate her. Instead, be attentive and fully present without being pushy.
Give her space to open up when she feels comfortable. When it feels natural, ask her to tell you about her grandmother. Offer to tell her about yours and any fond memories you have from your childhood. Ask her to share her memories. Allow her to share with you when she feels ready. Your presence can be enough to comfort her.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.