5 Sex Ruts Every Long-Term Couple Can Fall Into — & How to Break Out of Them

If there’s anything as certain as taxes and death, it’s sex ruts. 

In long-term relationships, sex ruts aren’t just common—they are expected, says Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute. Time and time again, data has shown that more than half of married couples — and many others in long-term partnerships — have experienced a sexual dry spell. In fact, a 2025 survey of 2,000 Americans conducted by sex toy brand Lovense found that 60 percent of respondents were either currently in, or had previously been in, a sex rut.

“Desire in long-term relationships ebbs and flows, often in correspondence to the rhythm of our lives, stress levels, emotional connection, and even our sense of self,” she says. For instance, libido may dip during periods of illness, burnout, or grief. And reduced intimacy is often collateral damage during stressful times, like navigating work drama or financial uncertainty.

No matter the cause, there’s no need to panic. Whether it’s marked by decreased frequency, diminished pleasure, or even full-on bed death, Pataky says that a sex rut doesn’t automatically signal deeper trouble. Being in a sex rut only becomes a problem if you’re not able to communicate about why you’re not having sex anymore. Or, one or more partners are distressed about it — and you’re not able to get on the same page about what to do about it (if anything), she says. 

Still, that doesn’t mean you have to submit to a lackluster love life and let sex and intimacy become just a thing of your past. Read on for tips on how to spice up your sex life, no matter the specific sex rut you’re trouble-shooting. 

1. The Rut: We’re Too Tired To Have Sex

If you’re working round the clock, it’s unlikely that you’ll get around to having sex. 

On a practical level, rekindling your sex life and having sex takes time and energy, both of which can be in short supply when you’re burnt out, says AASECT-certified sex therapist Julia Simone Fogelson, LCSW, CST, an educator with Private Sugar Club. But there’s also a physiological impact of a go-go-go lifestyle that can make sexual response impossible. 

A chronically busy, sleep-deprived lifestyle can interfere with your body’s natural hormone rhythms, including levels of estrogen and testosterone, both of which play a key role in sexual desire. “When you’re exhausted, your brain redirects energy toward rest, repair, and survival—which are incompatible with play, creativity, or eroticism,” says Dr.Pataky. 

Additionally, when you’re always tired, even your bed can start to feel less like a space for intimacy and more like a crash pad, says Pataky. “It stops being a portal for connection and starts feeling exclusively like a sanctuary for sleep.”

The Fix: “When you feel too tired to have sex, try activities like massage, cuddling, or simply holding each other,” suggests Fogelson. “These allow you to get physically close without expending much energy.”

Additionally, try not to limit yourself to bedtime or the bedroom. “Affection doesn’t have to be scheduled right before sleep,” she adds. Try connecting after dinner on the couch, over coffee in the morning, or in an end-of-night shower. Shifting the when and where can reduce pressure and increase connection.

2. The Rut: We’re Always On Our Phones in Bed

Your phone might be your alarm clock, but it’s not going to wake up your sex life. 

“Phones, tablets, and computers are distractions in the bedroom,” says Debra Laino, an AASECT-certified sex educator, board-certified clinical sexologist, life coach, and relationship therapist based in Delaware. Devices pull attention away from the moment, which undermines connection, and connection is essential for desire, she says.

More than that, “being in bed on the phone can send the message that what’s on my phone is more important than you,” says Laino. If that message is received repeatedly, your partner may start to internalize it, which can lead to feeling emotionally unsafe or less valued, which can shut down sexual energy,” she says. 

The Fix: Laino recommends reworking your bedtime routine into something more connecting. “Try rubbing lotion on each other, holding one another, or simply spending a few minutes talking about your day,” she says. A little intentional affection can go a long way toward rebuilding intimacy, she says. 

Yes, sometimes this focus can lead to sexual touch, but even if and when it doesn’t, it will still strengthen the foundation of desire and improve intimacy. 

3. The Rut: We’re Always Doing The Same Thing 

“Falling into a repetitive sexual routine is normal,” according to psychotherapist Kim Hertz, LCSW-R, with NY Therapy Practice in New York City. And yes, there’s absolutely value in “maintenance sex,” or the intentional act of staying sexually connected, even when sparks aren’t flying.

But over time, repetition can take a toll. “Repetition is one of the biggest threats to long-term eroticism,” says Paraky. “Eroticism thrives on novelty, surprise, play, and presence.” When every encounter follows the same script—same position, same order, same ending—those essential ingredients begin to disappear. Copy-and-paste sex might technically get the job done, but it can leave you feeling disconnected, she says. 

Presence, in particular, is a powerful—yet often overlooked—element of desire. “Presence is the unsung hero of eroticism,” she says. “True arousal isn’t just physical; it’s also psychological. We become aroused not only when our bodies are touched, but when we feel seen, chosen, and engaged with.” 

The Fix: Start with some prolonged eye contact. “Even just 60 seconds can help rebuild erotic presence,” says Dr. Pataky. It can shift you from autopilot to awareness, enabling connection, emotion, and playfulness to reemerge.

From there, invite curiosity. “You don’t need to reinvent the wheel,” she says. Instead, she recommends asking your partner: What’s something we’ve tried that you’re curious about or What’s something we haven’t done in a while, that you’d like to try again. 

“This inquiry alone can add freshness, reignite interest, and allow partners to co-create new possibilities,” she says. And that stands whether you enact the position or pleasure product of curiosity. Sometimes, openness is all we need to reignite eroticism, she says. 

4. The Rut: We Tried Scheduling Sex, But Still In A Rut

Scheduling sex — literally putting intimacy on the calendar and treating it with the same respect you’d give any other important commitment — can be a powerful way to prioritize connection.

But for some people, it backfires. “Scheduling sex can evoke clinical routines or make intimacy feel like just another checkbox on an already overcrowded to-do list,” says Dr. Patakay. Worse, it can create pressure to perform, which is one of the fastest ways to block authentic desire. When people feel obligated to have a specific type of physical experience, it often shuts them down, she says. 

The Fix: Reframe scheduling sex as scheduling intimacy, suggests Dr. Pataky. This isn’t just a semantic shift, but about eliminating any expectation, she says.  

“The idea is merely to protect space for erotic connection in a world that often pushes it to the margins,” she says. “Consider it an invitation for uninterrupted time to connect as lovers and partners,” she says. This preserved time doesn’t have to lead to sex. It could mean kissing, cuddling, exploring fantasies, or simply being present with each other without distractions, she says. 

Importantly, both partners should feel empowered to reschedule with care when needed, but with the mutual understanding that rescheduling means just that—not canceling altogether. “Intimacy doesn’t thrive on obligation; it thrives on intention,” she says. 

5. The Rut: We’re Afraid of Being Walked In On

Your partner’s moans might turn you on, but your kids’ screams or the sound of roommates down the hall can have the opposite effect. 

Family life doesn’t always mix seamlessly with erotic energy, says Fogelson. Not only can background noise pull you out of the moment, “but the idea of being heard or interrupted can make it hard for some people to relax, which has a direct impact on arousal,” she says. 

The Fix: “If this is an issue for you, consider locking doors or using noise machines and music to mask any sounds,” says Fogelson. “It can also be a good idea to plan intimacy when people are out.” 

You can also explore lower-noise forms of intimacy, such as showering together or whispering fantasies, she adds. 

When To See A Sex Therapist 

If your sex rut is starting to feel like a sinkhole — or if the lack of physical closeness is beginning to bleed into emotional distance — it may be time to talk to a professional. Perhaps you’re feeling lonely, despite being in a relationship, or struggling to even want to reconnect. These are common signs that a deeper layer of support could be helpful.

“A sex therapist can help couples navigate these deeper patterns with nuance, helping to uncover not just what’s happening in the bedroom, but what’s happening in the relationship, in the body, and in the inner emotional world,” explains Dr. Pataky. A trained sex therapist can also help explore any mismatched desire, unspoken resentments, shame stories, or communication breakdowns that may be blocking intimacy.

If a therapist isn’t a step you’re ready and/or financially able to take, she suggests utilizing the written, audio, and video resources on the topic. Books about sex and desire — like Come Together by Emily Nagoski, Desire by Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer Vencill, and What Happened to My Sex Life? by Kate Balestrieri — offer brilliant insight into the science of desire and how context influences arousal. 

For podcast lovers, Sex With Emily, Sex and Psychology Podcast, and Sex with Dr. Jess are rich with stories and tools. “These resources don’t replace therapy, but they can absolutely create awareness and open up the kinds of conversations that lead to change,” says Dr. Pataky.

The bottom line: Sex ruts are common and normal, but they also shouldn’t be a (sex) life sentence. A little intention, curiosity, and creativity are all you need to keep from getting stuck in one.

Before you go, don’t miss our list of 69 (nice) sex positions to try before you die: