The Smartphone Isn't the Enemy — Our Approach Is
Every week, it feels like a new article drops warning parents about the dangers of smartphones and social media. Recently, Psychology Today raised the critical question: Is social media the true villain behind rising youth anxiety and depression, or are we simply witnessing a modern version of struggles that have always been there? Meanwhile, Parents magazine highlighted a growing paradox: despite expert warnings from voices like Dr. Jonathan Haidt and the “wait until 14 or 15” parent coalitions, more parents are giving their children smartphones at increasingly younger ages than ever before.
Let’s be honest: the warnings are not wrong. But they’re also not enough.
We keep yelling “Don’t do it!” — while the tech and telecom industries continue to innovate, market, and subsidize these devices into every home and hand. At this point, telling parents to avoid smartphones entirely is akin to advising them to forgo cars or electricity. Technology is not going away — and neither are the pressures to conform, communicate, and stay connected.
So let’s shift the conversation. Instead of fear-based messaging, let’s offer a roadmap. Let’s teach our children how to use smartphones, not treat the phone like forbidden candy that they’ll only crave more of.
Stop Blaming the Tool & Start Teaching the Rules
We don’t hand our kids steak knives and say, “Figure it out.” We don’t toss those car keys and say, “Drive safe.” We teach them through rules, boundaries, and supervision. So why do we throw smartphones at them and hope for the best?
Smartphones, in and of themselves, are not the enemy. The real issue is how we frame them. Are they a necessary tool or an addictive lifeline? The difference comes down to adult guidance, consistency, and intention.
Let’s break the conflation that’s confusing many families today: smartphones and social media are not the same thing. A smartphone can exist without Instagram, TikTok, or Snapchat. And yet, the two have become so intertwined that parents feel trapped — either give in to full access or deny the device entirely. This is a false choice.
What the Research Shows
Multiple studies have shown that when families introduce smartphones with clearly defined limits, mental health outcomes improve. A 2023 Common Sense Media report found that children whose parents restricted app usage, particularly during school nights and meals, had significantly lower stress levels and better sleep. A study published in JAMA Pediatrics reinforced this, showing that structured smartphone use — like texting, calling, and supervised browsing — did not correlate with increased anxiety or depression in kids under 14. It’s the unregulated use, particularly on social platforms, that leads to risk.
Yet here’s a hidden factor most media don’t discuss: economics.
For many families, the cheapest available option from providers like Verizon, T-Mobile, and AT&T is a smartphone, often bundled into family plans with subsidized fees. Ironically, purchasing a “dumb phone” or screen-limited device can be more expensive or more challenging to find. Capitalism has created the illusion of choice, when the real choice — the safe, limited, intentional option — is often unavailable or unaffordable.
So again, let’s stop shaming parents and start empowering them.
Dr. Zee’s Top 5 Guidelines for Raising Kids in the Smartphone Era
- Phones Are Tools, Not Toys.
Introduce the phone with a specific purpose, such as texting, making calls, checking the weather, or finding information. Frame it as a utility, not entertainment. Kids rise to the expectations you set. - Delay Social Media — Boldly and Clearly.
In our home (and in many I advise), no social media until age 16. Not because your child isn’t trustworthy, but because the platforms are not built with their mental health in mind. Say it openly, stick to it. - Create a “Tech Agreement” Together.
Sit down and draft a set of family tech rules. Include time limits, app approvals, phone-free zones (dinner table, bedroom), and a plan for digital detox days. When kids help make the rules, they take more ownership of them. - Teach, Don’t Just Block.
Walk your child through how to recognize red flags, such as online strangers, scams, and peer pressure posts. Use real scenarios. The goal is not just control—it’s digital literacy. - Model It. Seriously.
Kids learn from watching. If you’re always on your phone at red lights, during meals, or in bed, don’t expect them to self-regulate. Be the example of what healthy tech use looks like.
Let’s be clear: this is not about being the “cool” parent who lets kids have phones early. Nor is it about being the strict gatekeeper who locks them away until 18. It’s about becoming the guide — the same way we guide kids on how to cross the street, speak kindly, or care for others.
We’re not just raising kids. We’re guiding and raising digital citizens.
Let’s stop debating whether smartphones are good or bad. They are. The real question is: what kind of relationship are we teaching our kids to have with them? Let’s change the conversation — before it’s no longer ours to lead.
Dr. Zabina Bhasin, “Dr. Zee” is a Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist, and founder of Listen to the KidZ.
Before you go, check out these celebrities who have shared their technology rules for their kids.