How to Talk to Your Teens About Minneapolis—Even When You Don't Have Any Answers

The continued unrest in Minneapolis has given way to a particularly relentless news cycle, with images of school children being detained and kept out of school, and of peaceful protesters being tackled, pepper-sprayed, and killed by federal ICE agents.

It’s enough to fill any parent with fear and anxiety—and then there’s your doomscrolling adolescent to worry about.

“We know that any upsetting news, especially when it’s on such a large scale, can feel destabilizing for young people,” says Cynthia Lubin Langtiw, a Chicago-based clinical and community psychologist with expertise in immigrant mental health. “It can leave them feeling powerless and like they have no control over what’s happening in and around the world and like they can’t trust the system that they’re a part of. Which can leave them feeling unsettled, emotionally and psychologically.”

Further, Langtiw explains, what many are feeling in response to this moment is what psychologists call “betrayal trauma”—similar to what’s felt when you’re abused by a parent. “Your government is supposed to care for you, and yet they’re the ones who are inflicting the harm,” she says. “And so, the level of trauma is even more destabilizing, and even more difficult to make sense and meaning of.”

The key to discussing the distressing events, say experts, is to start by listening to your child’s concerns. And to stay as centered as you can while doing it.

“The thread running through any approach is to try to maintain a calm tone and demeanor,” says Kimberly Alexander, clinical psychologist and director of the mood disorder center at New York’s Child Mind Institute. “We don’t want to feed into increased anxiety and unknowns where we can offer stability.”

First, Find Out What Your Children Are Seeing and Hearing

Step one is to gather information from your kid. “Did they see a whole video on Instagram? Did they see a headline? Find out what they saw, because you don’t want to give them too much information, but you also don’t want to ignore information that they might have taken in,” Langtiw says. Also be sure to find out their sources, correcting any misinformation that you can.

After getting the basic facts, you’ll want to validate their emotional reality (“Yes, this is scary…”) and give them space to talk about what’s happening for them without the pressure of your perspective. Finally, she says, “Help them to be safe in their bodies by recognizing that in this moment, in your home, they’re safe, and that you will continue as a family to take steps to be safe.”

Also find out exactly what’s concerning them about what they’ve seen. Is it fear that they themselves will be detained? Are they afraid for you, the parent? Are they worried about their friends? Or are they grappling with existential anxiety? Then validate their fears. “You can say, ‘This is a lot. The world feels heavy. You’re responding like a human,’” says Langtiw. “It’s giving them space to talk without pressure and normalizing without minimizing.”

But, she adds, “You don’t want to foist your concerns upon them, so if they’re not upset or concerned, I might not bring my concern into that conversation.” (For kids under 11, she advises, steer clear of the killings of Renee Nicole Good and Alex Pretti unless they are specifically asking about it.)

Share Your Own Feelings, Too

While Langtiw would hold back from saying that she’s “overwhelmed,” she does share what she’s feeling and let her kids know that they’re having a normal reaction. Let yours know there’s nothing wrong with them for being concerned, she suggests, and remind them that you both have tools for getting through difficult times—whether it’s dancing, listening to music, or any other hobby or special activity. Remind them that they’ve felt overwhelmed before, and help to reengage them with what they love.  

Says Alexander, “The core of any sort of parent-child relationship is modeling for your child how to handle challenging situations and conflicts and showing them the most effective way moving forward.” So, sharing that you are afraid to makes perfect sense—as does collaborating on the best approaches to manage your worries.

One way, she suggests, is by helping your child maintain their routines, whether by going to school and their usual activities (if safe for them) or making time to see friends.

Help Them Disengage From Social Media

This is likely the source of all their disturbing information, right? You might want to discuss with them how they can limit their screen time (and think about how you can, too, while you’re at it).

“It’s not about controlling their behavior,” says Langtiw. “It’s about being a part of the conversation with them around their social media usage.” Instead of banning them from YouTube or TikTok, for example, ask them to notice how they feel after a long stretch of doomscrolling, or after they’ve watched certain videos. Then ask how they’d rather feel, and how they might achieve that.

Alexander agrees, noting further action may be called for depending on your child’s reaction. “If they’re experiencing intense symptoms, like nightmares and physiological symptoms like headaches and stomach aches and panic, then that’s even more of a reason to take a step back and maybe even reach out to a support person, like a therapist,” she says.

Be Transparent About Your Specific Risks

Families who are at risk of deportation are certainly having different conversations with their kids than those who are not right now. And for those in the former category, especially if kids were not aware about the risk before, Langtiw says, it’s important to be truthful about the status of family members and any behavior that’s changed as a result.

“So, if family members aren’t leaving the house, if certain family members are not going to work, one of the adults in the family should have a frank conversation with the children about the changes of behavior,” she advises, as well as “about any concerns that they have about what might happen to one of their family members.”

It’s equally important to have a plan in case something does happen to a family member. “You don’t want to scare them,” she says, “but you also want them to be prepared.”

Encourage Positive Action

It’s fine to simply listen to your child’s concerns if you don’t have an answer (and you very well may not). But you might also let them know that advocacy can be healing, says Langtiw.

“Tell them, ‘When I’m confused and overwhelmed, I can always take action,” she says. “I can do something big, like go to one of these big marches. Or I can call a friend who I know is concerned. I can sit with somebody at school who is scared. You can take really small actions, or you can take really large actions, but as I teach my children: There’s always something that you can do to move in the direction of your values.”

Finally, says Alexander, aim to stay grounded. “There are so many unknowns, but we have persevered through many challenges over time, and life does continue,” she says. “We want children to know that while we don’t necessarily know what life will look like tomorrow or a year from now, you are going to work hard to help them feel safe.”