Dear Abby: Move closer to family creates distance instead

DEAR ABBY: I made a terrible mistake moving 2,000 miles across the country to be closer to my grandchildren. In the past, I have always noticed my son and daughter-in-law treated the other grandparents better. They roll out the red carpet for my daughter-in-law's parents. They arrange outings with them, take photos and post the special grandchild-grandparent moments on Facebook. No one takes photos of me doing the same things with the grandchildren. It is also hard to do things with them because my daughter-in-law is always rushing them to do something else. It's like she wants her parents to be the only ones who have a special relationship with the grandkids.

I feel sick to my stomach every day. In the past, I couldn't take off work to travel for visits like the other grandparents, so I missed out on a lot. I thought by moving here I would stop feeling like an outsider with my grandchildren. I am single and still working, and although this was a major disruption to my life, it was a sacrifice I thought was worth making for the joy of being a more involved grandparent. But not much has changed. What do you think? — OUTSIDER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR OUTSIDER: That queasy feeling you describe may be anxiety. This is something you should discuss with your son. Before I render any judgments, it would have been helpful to know if you discussed your "possible" move to Tennessee with him and his wife to see how they felt about it. Or did you simply announce you were coming? If they welcomed the idea but haven't included you, shame on them.

Family counseling might help smooth things out if they are willing. If they aren't, and you aren't able to forge the kind of relationship you want with your grandchildren, consider making another move — somewhere where you are wanted and not so isolated.

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes, when I offer sympathy to someone about a difficult situation they are experiencing by saying, "I'm sorry," that person will respond by saying, "It's not your fault," or "No need to apologize." It happened again today. The definition of "sorry" is "an expression of sorrow or regret." It's not necessarily an apology.

When people respond this way, I find it awkward, embarrassing and even belittling. Please ask your readers to take the expression as it is intended. It's usually obvious whether the person speaking is apologizing or expressing sympathy for your situation. — APOLOGIZING IN THE WEST

DEAR APOLOGIZING: People, in general, have their personal pet peeves. Although this response is yours, I doubt many people will stop doing it because of one letter in my column. The next time it happens, TELL the person you weren't apologizing, simply expressing sympathy. If you say it with a smile, the person is less likely to be offended.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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