Dear Abby: Husband refuses to accept wife's imminent passing

DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with colon cancer five years ago. After two surgeries and three hospital stays, I recovered. The experience made me realize at 62 that it was time to downsize. I moved my husband and myself into a smaller, one-story home in a lovely retirement community.

I have now been diagnosed with incurable metastatic cancer. I'm being treated to prolong my life. The treatment is hard and is taking its toll. I am having a hard time preparing my husband for when I'm gone. I think I've taken the necessary steps. I want him to be prepared, but he doesn't seem to want to prepare. We have been married for 45 years. I have briefed our daughter on where the important paperwork and legal documents are, but I want him to take the lead. How can I get him to participate? — PREPARING IN NEVADA

DEAR PREPARING: There is no way you can FORCE your husband to take the lead on this. He may be so emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed at the thought of losing you (after 45 years!) that he's in denial or unable to think beyond the inevitable. Be sure your daughter knows all of your wishes to be carried out before and after your demise, because she may need to step up. And forgive your husband. He will have to get through your loss in whatever way is natural for him.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine, "Jake," is going to be a groomsman in his friend's wedding. They've been friends since childhood and have been through a lot together. Jake has been in a serious relationship for more than six months, but his friend's bride has informed him that he won't be getting a plus-one invitation for the wedding. Her reason is that only people who were in relationships before they got engaged are invited to the wedding.

Jake and his girlfriend feel very insulted by this. He has spoken to the groom and explained their point of view, but the bride won't budge on her decision. In my opinion, wedding guests are always offered a plus-one when invited — especially a groomsman! Jake feels awful knowing he'll be celebrating his friend that night while his girlfriend is at home alone. What are your thoughts? — FAIR IS FAIR IN CANADA

DEAR FAIR: While it isn't cast in granite that wedding invitations must be issued with a plus-one, it certainly is the considerate thing to do. Guests should be made to feel as comfortable as possible. The same goes for members of the wedding party.

Being asked to be a groomsman doesn't mean agreement is compulsory. My thought is that under these circumstances, Jake might prefer to inform his friend he needs to find another groomsman and politely decline the invitation to attend the wedding and to be part of the wedding party.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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