‘I’m Turning 30, and I Don’t Feel Ready. How Do I Get Over the Anxiety I Feel?’

From Estefanía Vanegas Pessoa, an advice column for anyone who’s ever thought, Am I the only one feeling this way?

‘I’m Not Over My Breakup. How Do I Stop Feeling Like Something Is Wrong With Me?’

Hi Tefi!

So I got broken up with in July 2024, and 2025 is about to end and I am not over him by any means. I truly think he was my soul mate — we never fought or yelled, always supported each other, and went through a lot together. He broke up with me because I haven’t healed from a lot and became very dependent on him. We’re still friends, and honestly, I still don’t have eyes for any other person. He’s getting out there and has hooked up with some people, but I can’t even get close enough to someone to reach to the point of even flirting.

Also, almost all my girlfriends either stopped being friends with me or got real fake with me in the months after the breakup. The only two friends I have left live out of town, and so I haven’t had an outlet. I feel really lost and alone despite my family thinking I’m happier. 

I guess the piece of advice I’m asking for is: How do I stop feeling like something is wrong with me? It hurts to internalize that for so long.

Best,
Still Heartbroken

Hi Still Heartbroken,

I’ve only gone through breakups where someone betrayed me, and sometimes, even though it’s a little sick of me, I am grateful for that. Because at least there’s, like, a “bad” person, you know what I mean? Still, I don’t think you understand how relatable this is.

The love of your life would want to be with you — maybe that’s just something we have to boil it down to. I don’t think you should continue your friendship with your ex if you’re still pining for them. It’s unfair to you, and you shouldn’t have a front-row seat to someone you want but can’t have, you know? It doesn’t really give you a chance to move on, if you’re still aching for another chapter with them in your life.

As for the friends you lost: good. You don’t need fake-ass people in your life anyway, and sometimes both partners and friendships are just seasonal. I believe deep in my heart that one day you will find a love who will make you think back on this era of your life and wonder how you ever accepted a “maybe one day” versus a “definitely you.”

The good news is that you’re going through it, and that’s the only way to learn new lessons. But ask yourself, Is the pain of an ex all you have left of your story together? How much internalizing is enough for you to move on and do something he never did — choose you? I don’t think you’re still heartbroken. I think you’re just confused, and if we simplify the situation, the smoke can clear, and then we can see how much energy we are spending on what isn’t spending energy on us. And we deserve some energy at minimum, no?

All my love,
Tefi

‘My Ex Thought I Wasn’t Doing Enough to Make Our Dreams Come True — So He Broke Up With Me’

Hey Tefi,

So I was with my partner for six, almost seven, years, and I thought I would marry him. I lost my job and went back to school and worked part-time while he worked full-time. I got hurt and needed two surgeries, so he had to cover the bills while I was out of work. He said he felt like he was doing everything to make our dreams happen and I wasn’t — so he broke up with me. 

I’ve now healed from my injury and found a full-time job, and I’m couch surfing till I get back on my feet. My ex leaves my messages on read, and I found out he’s made a Tinder looking for a long-term partner. I’m so heartbroken because I still feel like he’s the one, the love of my life. I feel like my whole world is upside down, and I don’t know where to go from here.

Topsy Turvy

Hello hello Topsy Turvy—

He is a loser. (As if you wanted to get hurt and need help?) And I am so fucking proud of you.

You’re starting over without someone who would rather leave you on read and talk to strangers. He saw you at your most vulnerable, and now you’re seeing him for who he really is: someone who is capable of letting you down. If you got back together today, it would still linger over you. Being with a man who is capable of being this cruel … Isn’t knowing he’s capable of this enough? If that’s how he treats the woman he loves, I would hate to be his friend. And I hope he sees this.

Every single person in the world will become disabled at some point, if they live long enough.
Health will deteriorate; he too will need someone to depend on. And if he’s blessed enough to make it to old age, I hope when he reaches out for a helping hand, he’s met with the cold reminder that he abandoned you.

You take it day by day, baby. Better days are coming. And I hope his next date shits in his
passenger seat. Whoops!

Big hug.
Tefi

‘I ‘m Turning 30, and I’m Not Ready. How Do I Get Over the Pressure and Anxiety I Feel? ’

Hi Tefi!

I turn 30 in February, and I’m very anxious about it. I honestly feel that I’m not ready to face 30. I moved back in with my parents at 27 because of severe mental-health issues, and I’m still here two years later. I quit my job in May, and I can’t figure out what I want my career to look like. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but lately I’ve caught myself comparing my life to my friends’. I have two friends who have bought houses and a friend who just got engaged. I’m also just now graduating college next month.

Did you feel any pressures or anxieties when you moved into your 30s? If so, what are some ways you were able to move past them? If not, what were some positive aspects you were looking forward to?

Thanks,
Thirty, Flirty, and Not Thriving

Hi TFNT,

I think 30 was one of my hardest years ever. I had no idea what I was doing and I was dead
broke. When I say dead broke, I mean not a dollar to my name.

Your friends have their own challenges they aren’t posting or sharing about. Everyone does.
Think about the conversations you’re having with casual friends and acquaintances —  no one would know you’re going through some shit, right?

To answer your question: Yes. I was terrified everyone around me was going to leave me behind, either because I didn’t know what I was doing or because they secretly felt my presence was a rock in their pocket, because I was struggling really badly in a toxic relationship and I couldn’t afford my medication.

The positive aspects I had were conversations like this one, in which I felt less alone. I would watch countless TikToks of women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s talking about struggles from their past I couldn’t imagine: homelessness, poverty, betrayals, abandonments, disappointments from nightmares. And yet … there they were on my phone, laughing and reminiscing about ugly shit they’d had to go through. I think we’ll be like that too.

There are still days I wake up and think, What the fuck am I doing with my life!! You aren’t alone, and you have to keep going, too. Talk about where you’re lost and what you need, even if it’s to yourself. But you have to keep going. You’re still in the beginning of your book, and you have 100 more chapters to go.

Please let me know where you are in six months. I’m thinking of you, and most of all, I believe in you.

— A stranger who’s rooting for you.

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