I’m a relationship psychologist – how to know if you’ve been gaslighted and 10 signs it’s happening to you
GASLIGHTING has become part of our everyday language, with Love Islanders regularly accused of playing such mind games with those they are coupled with.
Domestic abuse charity Women’s Aid called out Adam Collard’s behaviour in the 2018 series, and several of the male contestants have been criticised this year.
Last week, in ex-footballer Ryan Giggs’ assault trial, the prosecution claimed he had “gaslighted” former partner Kate Greville.
The ex-Manchester United star has denied all charges of controlling and coercive behaviour — but what exactly is gaslighting?
Farah Nazeer, chief executive at Women’s Aid, says: “Gaslighting is one tactic of coercive and controlling behaviour that aims to make a survivor doubt themselves, their perception of events and even their own sanity, with devastating consequences for their mental health and wellbeing.”
She adds that gaslighting is subtle and can be hard to recognise, but the techniques include calling into question someone’s memory of an incident, trivialising their thoughts and feelings, accusing them of lying, and mocking their “misconceptions”.
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Relationship psychologist Emma Kenny says: “While gaslighting is subtle, it fundamentally makes someone question their own reality — and there are key signs it is happening to you.”
Here, Emma reveals the ten key signs to look out for . . .
They make you the problem
WHEN you tell them how you feel about a certain situation, instead of listening, they state all the reasons why your feelings are incorrect.
No matter how hard you try to explain yourself, they appear to know exactly how to discount your point of view and replace it with theirs.
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And the moment you dare to challenge them, they brand you difficult and ungrateful.
Eventually, not only do you find yourself agreeing with them, you also end up apologising for causing them any distress.
They say you are too sensitive
WHEN you are out with friends, they seem to take great delight in making you feel uncomfortable.
As opposed to being supportive and loving, when they have an opportunity to make you the butt of everyone’s joke, they do so.
The moment you express how belittled this makes you feel, they roll their eyes and say you are too sensitive.
And if you then try to explain why you feel hurt, as opposed to taking responsibility, they will accuse you of having no sense of humour.
They turn their nose up at you
WHEN you serve a meal you have lovingly prepared, you may notice their facial expression shows a flicker of disgust.
When you ask them if they are enjoying the food you have made, they will smile and tell you that it is delicious, but there’s something uneasy about it.
Even though their words don’t support the way you are feeling, you cannot help suspecting that you have let them down.
They say you expect too much
THEY tell you that they are always there for you, and the moment you question this they turn the tables and accuse YOU of being emotionally abusive.
Their goal is to exploit your vulnerability and make you second-guess your beliefs.
Even when you have examples of when they have let you down, or abandoned you during difficult periods, they will use this as evidence that you are needy and selfish and unfair with your emotional demands.
47% of Brits have been gaslighted, according to research by LoveHoney.
LoveHoney
They make you question your memory
THEY will try to alter your memories because there is nothing more powerful than having control over the way someone recalls their life.
When you discuss events, you will find them insisting that certain conversations never happened, and bringing up scenarios you were involved in that you have no recollection of.
They will state these things with such conviction that you will question your own memory, often conceding that you have remembered things incorrectly.
They say they’re only ‘looking out for you’
THEY use concern as a secret weapon, feigning worry to increase your personal anxieties.
They will notice every possible negative in your life and constantly point these out to you, while at the same time reassuring you that they are doing this because they care about you.
When you suggest that your difficult relationship with your mum is improving, they remind you to not get too comfortable because they don’t want you to get hurt.
If you get excited about a career move, they tell you that they don’t mind that you aren’t really ambitious.
Because these subtle criticisms are disguised as compassion, you may well end up believing they are correct and even find yourself adjusting your behaviour accordingly.
They play down your sadness
WHEN discussing your personal struggles, they will bombard you with reasons as to why you shouldn’t feel this negativity
They will suggest that you need to think positively, and will point out all the great things they feel you have going on in your life.
Instead of allowing you a space where you feel you are heard, they manage to make you feel guilty for ever believing you had a right to your feelings.
90% of women in refuges in England have suffered psychological abuse.
Sun source
They give back-handed compliments
YOU find yourself reaching for a snack, only to have them comment on how proud they have been of your healthy eating habits lately.
Or if you put on your favourite dress, they remind you of how great you looked in the one they picked out for you last week. This is also known as “negging”.
Even though their words sound like praise, you can’t help hearing criticism.
They break promises
THEY have no problem denying promises that you made to one another.
And when you bring up a broken commitment, they will refuse to accept there was ever such an agreement in place.
They will state over and over again that you are making it all up in your head.
And their confidence will be so disconcerting that eventually their lie will become your truth.
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They check your phone
THEY tell you they trust you more than anyone else in the world and yet their actions demonstrate the exact opposite.
When you object to them checking your phone, or find them looking through your bank statements, they will be quick to suggest that having no secrets is why you are so close and say that as you are completely trustworthy, why is there a problem.