I’m a gentle lover but my girlfriend insists that I spank her in the bedroom
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has asked me to spank her hard while we’re having sex. She wants me to leave a mark.
She has a taste for quite extreme sex, which I don’t share. I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t know how to say no without making her think I’m a bore in bed.
I’m 31. She’s 36 and much more experienced.
We’ve been together for eight months and I’ve really fallen for her.
She freely admits she’s always been into the more kinky side of sex.
She loves role play and dressing up. I’m happy to use a blindfold or handcuffs on her, even though it doesn’t turn me on in the same way it does her.
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Ordinary sex is too boring for her. If there isn’t an element of danger or risk, she doesn’t get sexually excited.
Her biggest turn-off is making love in bed, in our bedroom. She thinks the missionary position is for pensioners.
After a few drinks, she’ll drag me to the local park or an alleyway behind the pub, for sex. The thought of being discovered thrills her.
I go along with it but the truth is I prefer sex to be gentle, loving and safe. I’m actually an old-fashioned romantic and like nothing better than to make love in a warm, clean bed.
For a while, she has been asking me to spank her hard. She wants me to make her cheeks sting and go red.
To her, bruises are a mark of love. But I’d never hit a woman, it’s how I was brought up. It feels abusive.
I’m scared that if I say no, she’ll say we’re not sexually compatible and leave me.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Nobody, male or female, should ever do anything that makes them uncomfortable just to keep their partner happy.
You have a right to say no, and if she loves you she should accept your decision. You need to be honest with her.
Tell her what your boundaries are. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help.
Perhaps you could talk about your fantasies – a turn-on in itself – and explore other sexual activities you both might enjoy and that aren’t dangerous.
Unfortunately, her taste for kinky sex is probably deep-rooted and it may mean you’re not sexually compatible.
But if you love each other, you may be able to find a compromise. See my support pack, Kinky Sex Worries, for more information.