Ever since my partner’s miscarriage I’ve been struggling to get an erection
DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I ever wanted was to be a dad, and when my partner got pregnant after three years of trying, I was over the moon.
But then she had a miscarriage, and I was gutted. Now I’m finding it hard to get an erection or to ejaculate.
I’m 37 and she’s 33. We started trying for a baby just after her 30th birthday. We thought it would happen quickly, like it has for all our friends and siblings.
After all, we’re both young and healthy.
But month after month, my partner got her period. Finally, just as we were starting to give up hope, she got a little blue line on her pregnancy test.
We were both so happy.
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But nine weeks later, she started bleeding. A scan confirmed she’d had a miscarriage.
Everyone who knew was so kind and sympathetic to her. But nobody asked me how I felt about it.
It was my baby too, and I was desperately sad. Since then, we’re supposed to be trying again, but I am finding it really stressful.
I’m rarely in the mood for sex at ovulation time. I feel like a performing seal. There’s no joy for me in having sex any more, and when we try I often cannot perform.
That has made it even less likely we’ll get pregnant again and I feel I’m letting my partner down.
Please help before we run out of time.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s less taboo around miscarriage today, but people often forget it can also be deeply painful for a man.
You’ve not only been through an upsetting loss, but you’re also feeling under pressure to get your partner pregnant again.
No wonder your body isn’t complying. Stress is not conducive to performing in bed – or to conception.
Taking the pressure off would help. Perhaps you could agree not to attempt sex for a few weeks and instead to focus on being affectionate.
My support pack on Miscarriage has more information, and you can contact miscarriageassocation.org.uk (01924 200 799).
Please do see a fertility doctor too, as you and your partner may need tests and/or medical help with conceiving.