I’m happily married to an amazing man but my lover still has his claws in me
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I’m happily married to an amazing man, I can’t stop sleeping with my long-term lover.
We met years before I knew my husband and I was — and still am — crazy about him.
I’m 39, my husband is 42 and we’ve been married for eight years.
The other man is 40 and we met while I was at university.
We were never in an official relationship, but we spent years going back and forth with each other. He always had this hold on me that I could never shake.
It was only when I met my husband that things started to cool off.
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For the first time, I felt a sense of security and could finally see a future to work towards.
For the first year of our marriage, I didn’t see the other man at all, but when we bumped into each other in a coffee shop all of my feelings came flooding back.
Ever since I haven’t been able to stay away. My husband often works night shifts, so sneaking around hasn’t been difficult.
I know it’s wrong but I can’t imagine my life without either of them.
My lover won’t even date other women because he tells me nobody compares, and if I’m honest, a part of me is glad because I’m not sure how I’d cope.
My husband is amazing, and I love how safe he makes me feel, but I can’t get my lover out of my head.
I don’t know what to do. I’m torn in two.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Continue to bury your head in the sand and the inevitable will happen – at least one of you will get very badly hurt.
This can’t go on. While it’s understandable that you’re feeling confused, you have to realise how unfair this is on both of them.
If you still love your husband then you owe it to him to break off your affair and put all your effort into working on your marriage.
My support pack Relationship MOT will help you with this.
If you decide that you would rather be with your lover, be sure it is the right choice for you before you make it.
Leave because you are unhappy, not because you have your lover to go to. It’s not uncommon to shake up your life to then discover the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
My support pack Torn Between Two Men will also help you think this through.