My wife will only be intimate with me if I pay her £150 after finding out I used sex worker

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife says she will be intimate with me, but only if I pay her for sex. 

I went along with it at first because I thought it was just a role play and that she had developed a new kink.

But it later turned out she was punishing me as she had found out I paid a sex worker to sleep with me.

It was a terrible mistake — I had been struggling to maintain an erection and  I just wanted to check if there was something wrong with me. 

Now my wife has upped her price to £150 a time. I can’t afford to have sex with her any more than twice a month. I’m 55 and my wife is 52.

It’s been 25 years since we tied the knot.

It’s hard to believe our marriage has come to this.

My wife hid the fact that she knew about the sex worker when she started charging me for physical intimacy.

Admittedly it really turned me on at first but now I have to live with constant insults.

She calls me every name under the sun because nothing I do is up to her standard. 

When my wife admitted that she had known about what I had done for months, I was really ashamed.

My attempts to explain were shut down and I’ve been sleeping on the sofa ever since.

I cannot believe that my wife thinks it is OK to keep treating me like this and it’s hard to know how long this will go on for. 

It’s almost like this is our new normal, but it’s not normal to charge your husband for sex, is it?

I can’t sleep on the sofa for ever — my back is in pieces. 

I just want my wife back. What can I do to  make her forgive me?

DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds to me like there is a lot of resentment on both sides.

Your wife’s self-confidence will have taken a hit since your betrayal and she is punishing you.

It’s not fair that she treats you this way but things won’t change until you talk openly and honestly with each other. 

Rather than trying to explain why you paid a sex worker, apologising unconditionally – without any attempt to justify your behaviour – is more likely to be well received by your wife.

Couples counselling would be a great start and is available through  tavistockrelationships.org.

My support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Solving Erection Problems, can help you to seek healthy responses to changes in yourself and your relationship.