The exact way to comfort your teen if they didn’t get the GCSEs they wanted – & the phrase you definitely shouldn’t say
EXAM results day can be extremely daunting, for both students and parents.
While school grades are not the be all and end all in life and lots of people become hugely successful without being top of the class, you still want your child to do well.
So if they don’t get the grades they were hoping for, what do you do to help support them?
Former senior psychotherapist Chris Finn worked for the NHS for 10 years and was a lecturer in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), and is now a Professional Life Coach.
Here, he shares his top tips on what to say – and what definitely not to say – if you are a parent with a disappointed teen on your hands this GCSE results day…
Show your support
When it comes to key life events like exam results day, there are bound to be a lot of nerves, so of course lots of support is required.
Chris says : “Worry around exam results is so common and they’ll need a healthy balance of keeping busy, and distraction.
“Routine can go out of the window this time of year while
waiting on exam results.
“Try to help ensure they have a mix of seeing friends, getting outside, and exercise.”
Avoid creating a false sense of security
When their results are unknown and they’re waiting around to find out how well they’ve done, there are key phrases Chris recommends avoiding.
He explains: “Don’t tell them that you know they’ll be ok, or that you know they’ve done well.
“They don’t know that, and you don’t.
“This kind of reassurance creates a false sense of security that they
will dismiss.
“Instead, tell them that you’ve got their back no matter what.
“And whatever happens, you’ll help them work it out.”
Acknowledge disappointment
If, the worst happens, and they haven’t got the results they were hoping for, don’t worry.
Chris says: “Acknowledge their disappointment in their results, but help them with any disappointment in themselves as a person.
“This feels like a big time in their life and so they will natural
blame themselves and criticise themselves.
“Help them see other options, as they might not be able to see this for themselves right now.”
‘Failing’ doesn’t mean you’re a failure
It’s important to emphasise also that ‘failing’ at something doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
Chris says: “We tend to label ourselves negatively when things don’t go our way.
“But the result of not getting the exam results that you wanted for doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person.
“If their exam results aren’t enough to get them into the course they hoped, it doesn’t mean that they as a person aren’t good enough.”
Appearances can be deceiving
If it seems like you care more than your teen, it can be easy to get frustrated – but just remember appearances can be deceiving.
Chris says: “They do care. This is just their way of dealing with it.
“Denial is one of the most commonly used defence mechanisms we have.
“When something doesn’t go the way we wanted, it’s very natural to dismiss it and act like we don’t care.
“Trying to make them care more is probably the worst thing you can do.
“So instead, offer your support and presence.”
Don’t miss the bigger picture
Finally, it’s important to be able to put the results into context.
Chris says: “Exam results aren’t everything.
“Yes, as parents we want the best for our kids, but to equate good exam results with success or doing well in life is missing the bigger picture.
“There are countless examples of highly successful people who didn’t do well at school.
“What your child needs from you is your hope as well as your support.”