I’ve been married for 22 years – couples shouldn’t hold hands in public, it’s not secret to happy relationship
EASTENDERS’ Lucy Benjamin has called time on her 17-year marriage, saying it had “run its course”.
Revealing she and hubby Richard Taggart got hitched following a quick engagement, the actress, 53, admitted: “I was a bit pushy but you’ve got to get on with it.”
Like Lucy, Clare O’Reilly, 43, got engaged to Jon, 50, a writer, within three weeks of meeting him.
But 22 years later, the couple, who have kids aged 19, 15 and 12, are stronger than ever.
Writer Clare, of Plymouth, shares her secrets to long-lasting love and explains how those who do split get it wrong.
EXCHANGING knowing glances, my husband Jon and I waited until we were out of earshot from our close friends to share our thoughts on their “date night” plans.
Having been a couple for just shy of 22 years — and married for 16 — we haven’t felt the need for one of those since we moved in together a year after we met.
Neither of us understands partners who set evenings aside for each other.
We’re not dating, so why do we need nights where we act like we are?
We’re more than content holding hands on the sofa after the kids have gone to bed, or walking our three dogs where we spend time chatting and bonding.
And, if other couples followed our marital lead, I’m convinced divorce rates would be lower.
Almost half of UK marriages end but I know we won’t become part of that statistic as we live a pretty idyllic existence.
As well as having the marriage and relationship a lot would envy, we have three happy and healthy kids and a lovely house we work hard to pay for.
Lucy Benjamin’s relationship with her husband Richard moved at the same pace as ours.
The couple met on a flight to Dubai in 2006, were engaged within six weeks and married nine months later.
But while their relationship has hit the skids, we’re still going strong.
Since the night we met, Jon and I have lived our own version of happily ever after.
Blame and hurt
But according to Spice Girl Mel C, who is single and rumoured to be back on the dating scene, we are in a dwindling minority.
She said recently: “Who knows the reasons why some people find a soulmate and stay together forever and then other people don’t.
“I’ve never, never wanted to marry. Maybe marriage works for some, but maybe to think it works for the majority is an old-fashioned notion.”
I feel she’s right on the old-fashioned bit, but Jon and I have stayed together because, unlike so many couples who bail out when the going gets tough, we work at our marriage.
And I know where other couples are getting it wrong well before the decree absolute comes through.
They either made a mistake marrying in the first place or they’re not willing to put the effort in.
Too many search for ways they can be offended and, when an argument happens, they cling on to cross words for as long as they can.
When I chat with friends about rows over mundane things, such as shared housework, childcare, money they’ve had with their partners, it’s all about blame and hurt feelings . . . and very little forgiveness for remarks made in the heat of the moment.
And that’s a mistake.
We all say things in anger or call one another names, but it’s exactly that — the heat of the moment and not something to hold on to.
When I met Jon in 2002 through work, and got engaged a few weeks later, it shocked both our friendship groups with how fast things moved — but we knew we were at the start of something special.
We’d had the dates where we talked into the small hours about relationships and what we wanted out of a future and — like we still do — we agreed on what constituted a strong partnership and compromised where we didn’t wholeheartedly agree.
I’m not suggesting Jon and I haven’t had some huge fall-outs.
Walking out, slamming doors, shouting to each other that we’ve made the biggest mistake being together — we have done the lot.
But time and again, we make up and we pride ourselves on seeing things from each other’s point of view, no matter how much we might feel like we disagree with it at the time.
When you choose to share your every waking moment with another human being, it’s not always going to be a bed of roses.
But forgiveness, and not taking (and holding onto) being offended, is one of the tenets that’s kept us going for more than two decades.
I have a pal who is a stay-at-home mum of three. He works, while she does all the childcare.
She’s been upset with him the last few weeks, which has escalated to arguments, because he’s booked to go away with pals.
I don’t get why she’s so upset when she’s entitled to do the same thing — and we’ve been away together in the past.
It feels like she’s searching for something to be offended and angry about.
And, when it comes to sharing the load of our relationship — the amount we each put in and carry — I’m very aware of my hormones.
I’ve known since we had a huge argument over nothing seven years ago that I had to find something to keep my head and my hormones in check.
Lacing up my trainers and starting to run was that “me” time and therapy our marriage needed.
Not only does it keep me the size 12 I was when we met, but it uses any energy I’d channel into being offended, over-thinking things or starting arguments.
So many women I know hate their size or body shape as they age — their insecurities taken out on their partners rather than taking responsibility themselves.
I have plenty of pals who reside permanently in a state of annoyance, upset or disappointment in how their body has changed, and ultimately that comes out in their relationship in a lack of confidence or a desire to stay in rather than go out.
Nothing to prove
Envy and suspicion are another waste of time in a relationship, yet it seems we’re in a minority not including either in ours.
If Jon’s going to cheat on me, he’ll do it whether I’m monitoring his phone or not.
I have a friend who insisted on complete transparency and being able to check her partner’s phone at all times and, unsurprisingly, their relationship didn’t last.
As for public displays of affection, why do so many couples insist on holding hands and kissing in public when they’ve been married for years?
It’s purely an attempt to convince others of how happy you are.
We all know couples who insist on kisses when they’re out, and it always makes me wonder who they’re trying to prove things to.
Our kids would be mortified if we started kissing and holding hands in public, and we don’t need to.
We can get up to whatever we want under our own roof.
When it bucketed down on our entire wedding day in 2006, guests told us marrying in the rain was good luck.
In the old days when you tied an actual knot to symbolise marriage, a wet knot was much harder to undo than a dry one and so it was a sign of a good, long future together.
Through rain or shine we’ve stuck together. Our relationship isn’t perfect.
Jon’s far kinder and more tolerant than I am — which I used to bemoan — and we’re total opposites in a lot of ways.
But we’ve weathered plenty of storms and the knot we tied 17 years ago has got stronger as a result.
Yes, Jon’s my soulmate and vice versa, but we’ve worked hard, didn’t quit and faced hard times together.
So should we hit a rough patch in our future, we know what it takes to get back on track.
We’ve worked incredibly hard at our marriage — maybe so many wouldn’t end in divorce if more people did the same.