Forget economic migrants. Now it’s climate migrants
BACK in the early Eighties, when we first heard about global warming, we all thought it sounded rather nice.
We imagined that we’d all be sitting in our gardens every summer watching the palm trees and the bougainvillea swaying gently in the tropical breezes.
But then it was pointed out to us by scientists with mad hair, and a Swedish proto-person called Greta, that actually, global warming would cause the ice caps to melt and all the coral in the sea to die.
And again, we all thought, well we don’t live at the North Pole, or in the sea, so we remain unbothered.
Now though, we are starting to see an effect of global warming that really will make our lives extremely different.
Not in a hundred years. Or even in ten. But by tomorrow teatime. Massive human migration.
This week, following a freak downpour, a dam broke and a torrent of water tore through the Libyan city of Derna.
Of course we’ve all seen floods before and even tsunamis.
But I’ve never seen anything like this. It was like a colossal, seemingly supersonic brown explosion of ferocity.
Everything standing in its path wasn’t swept aside. Or smashed. It was pulverised. And more than 11,000 people died.
Life in Libya hasn’t been much fun since some hotheads pushed a scaffolding pole up Colonel Gaddafi’s bottom.
But for many, this frothing brown torrent will be the final straw.
They’re going to up sticks and move to Europe.
The gigantic exodus has already started in fact.
In a single 24-hour period this week, 7,000 people arrived on a small Italian island called Lampedusa.
And the conveyor belt of human misery shows no sign of stopping.
In fact, it’ll get bigger. I was in the desert state of Mauritania earlier this year, and at night it was 38 degrees.
During the day, it was 50. It was so unbearable that many will think, “Sod this for a game of soldiers. Let’s move to Scotland”. And who can blame them?
Soon then, that trickle of boats crossing the English Channel is going to turn into a flood. And they’ll be filled not with economic migrants.
But climate migrants.
And I’m afraid that Suella Braverman can stand on the white cliffs of Dover, trying to turn them all back, but not since King Canute will anyone have done anything quite so futile.
Pull-over the other one
WE all thought that the world had gone off its rocker when someone paid £722,000 for a Ford Escort that had once been owned by Princess Diana.
But at least he ended up with a car.
This week, someone paid £920,000 for one of her jumpers.
And all they’ve got is an item of clothing that they can never wear as it probably won’t fit.
Losing it . . . Biden
I’M no fan of Manchester United or any of their players, and I have therefore greatly enjoyed much of the abuse that’s been hurled at Harry Maguire in recent years.
However, after his own goal against Scotland this week, I felt that, perhaps, the banter was starting to look a bit like bullying.
And if I’m honest, I felt a bit sorry for the lad.
Not half as sorry though as I do for Joe Biden these days.
I used to enjoy watching him fall over and walk into hedges and mumble.
I thought it was funny that the most powerful man in the world couldn’t stand up properly.
But now it’s obvious he’s got some severe mental problems.
So we all need to stop making fun of him and ask some serious questions instead.
Starting with: “As it’s plainly obvious he couldn’t run a bath, who the bloody hell is running America?”
BEFORE embarking on a new box set, I usually consult IMBD and Rotten Tomatoes to see if it’s any good.
But I think we’ve now reached a point where shows need to be rated on how woke they are.
If there’s a lot of pronoun enthusiasts sitting around eating weeds and seeds, and all the men are portrayed as misogynistic dinosaurs, it will be given a high rating.
And I’ll know to watch something else.
Mating is key
AFTER a couple were found making the two-backed beast in an easyJet lavatory, the pilots called police, and both were escorted off the plane when it landed.
Why? If they’d been trying to open the plane’s door, or running up and down the aisle vomiting on other passengers, I can understand that some kind of offence might have been committed.
But the last time I looked, mating, behind a closed door, is not just legal, but essential for the future of our species.
Trout of his mind
A FISHERPERSON caught poaching rainbow trout appeared in court this week charged with using threatening behaviour.
It seems that Paul Darlington, a 36-year-old tracksuit enthusiast, told the farmer who’d caught him that he would come back and, “We will kill the kids and let you watch”.
He then went on to say, “We know that you have donkeys. We will come back in the night and kill them.
“Have you ever woken up with a donkey’s head in your bed?”.
Needless to say the district judge who presided over the case said the threats were vile, especially the threat to harm one of the family’s pets.
I’m sorry. What?!!?
Yes, it’s obviously terrible that he said he’d cut a donkey’s head off.
But I think it’s quite a lot worse to say that you’ll kill someone’s kids while they watch.
WHEN Noel Edmonds moved to New Zealand in 2019, we all thought that we’d never see him again.
But this week, he was back, serving coffee at a cafe in Somerset.
And for a 74-year-old, he looked incredible.
I sat looking at the photos for ages wondering out loud every so often, “Noel, mate. Where do you buy your hair?”