My wife lied for years about an affair – but said they had better sex during screaming row
DEAR DEIDRE: DURING a screaming row, my wife got so angry she spat out that she had far better sex with her lover, five years ago.
At the time she totally denied an affair, and I believed her. I feel like a fool and don’t know how I’ll ever trust her again.
We’ve been married for 15 years. I’m 44, she’s 42 and we have two children, aged ten and seven.
Soon after she went back to work, after having our youngest, our marriage started going downhill.
She was always stressed and tired, and our sex life suffered.
I started to get a gut feeling that she was cheating.
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There was nothing concrete, just little hints, like always staying late at work, or spending a lot of time messaging on her phone.
Eventually, I confronted her and she admitted she’d grown close to a work colleague, but absolutely nothing had happened and they were just friends.
Things seemed to improve. We started having sex again and spending more time together.
But recently, she has seemed very unhappy again. We’ve been arguing a lot.
Last week, we had a huge, ugly row triggered by the fact she never wants sex.
In the heat of the moment, my wife screamed, “I should have left when I had the chance. At least I’d have far better sex.”
As soon as she’d said it, there was a shocked silence.
She then admitted she had been in a sexual relationship with her colleague after all.
She claimed she’d lied for our kids, to keep our family together.
I can barely look at her now. It’s not the affair, I could have got over that. It’s the lying.
How could she lie to my face for five whole years?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Understandably, you’re reeling. You’ve been betrayed and lied to, and found out in a shocking way.
But you say you could have got over the affair.
And, while I’m not excusing it, it seems that she lied for a good reason – to keep your family together.
Your marriage is in deep trouble, but it does sound like you both want to make it work.
If there’s any hope for your relationship, you need to rebuild trust.
Will she be honest about why she strayed and can you both talk about the changes needed to improve your relationship?
Professional couples counselling would be a good idea. Find support via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975).
And read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?