The 4 signs you’re trapped in a controlling relationship as MAFS fans fear for Shona and Brad
MARRIED At First Sight (MAFS) viewers were left horrified last night as tensions between newly-weds Shona and Brad continued to escalate.
The groom is in hot water after snubbing his wife, telling her she always needs “external validation” and snapping at her to “shut up” when she tried to reason with him.
At Wednesday night’s commitment ceremony, things only got worse, with Brad Skelly, 27, using bizarre language to talk about Shona Manderson, 31, saying he didn’t want to “allow her to get angry” because she wouldn’t “learn” how to behave.
Expert Mel Schilling admonished Brad for this behaviour, reminding him “you don’t need to allow her to do anything. She’s your equal, she’ll make that call.”
“We’re calling this out” she explained, “because these are the kind of patterns that can become dangerous.”
Even the other cast members were shocked, with Laura leaning over to whisper to cast mate Nathaniel Valentine: “He sometimes talks to her like a child”
And viewers were equally uncomfortable. One X/Twitter user wrote that “Brad should be removed from the show for his controlling behaviour”.
Another noticed: “Shona is looking at Brad before and after she answers to make sure she hasn’t set him off. This guy is a control freak, how did the experts allow him to slip through the cracks?”
With this in mind, Fabulous has spoken to dating expert Annabelle Knight and psychologist Jade Thomas about the warning signs that you could be in a controlling relationship.
‘TEACHER’ LANGUAGE
One of the key issues that experts Mel Schilling, Paul Carrick Brunson and Charlene Douglas have pulled Brad up on is the language he uses to talk about his wife.
During last night’s commitment ceremony, Brad admitted to using words like “I will allow you to” and “I’ll let you”, which raised the eyebrows of not just the experts, but also the fellow cast members.
According to Annabelle, this type of language is one of the biggest red flags you can look out for when you’re in a partner.
“Respecting your partner as an individual and having appreciation for their personal autonomy is the cornerstone of a happy, and more importantly, healthy relationship,” she says.
“One of the key ways you can tell if this is in stride within your relationship is the type of language used, phrases such as ‘allowing you,’ and ‘letting you,’ are indicators of potential controlling behaviours.
“They are significant as they offer a glimpse into that partner’s mindset when it comes to who is in charge and if not highlighted can lead to more damaging behaviours down the line.
“The issue here is that language like this shows us that that person believes themselves to hold the power and control and that their say matters the most.
“This creates a power gap within the relationship that will only get wider and deeper the longer it is left.”
GASLIGHTING
Gaslighting is a buzzword that’s often thrown around, but it’s essentially a manipulation tactic in which a person gains control over someone else by planting seeds of uncertainty in another person’s mind.
And it’s a behaviour that some viewers suggest Brad might be showing signs of, particularly given his reaction when Shona admitted to being upset about the other couple’s calling them fake.
He accused her of needing “external validation” and said her feelings were a sign of “emotional immaturity”, before snapping at her to “shut up” and “stop caring what other people think”.
According to psychologist Jade Thomas, this type of language “is a common manipulation tactic and a red flag”.
She calls it a “subtle form” of emotional abuse, because often your partner will make you feel as though you’re in the wrong, and can’t trust your own sanity and judgements.
Jade suggests examples might include being told things like “you’re being overly sensitive”, “you are the issue, not me” and “you are crazy”.
And viewers of MAFS clearly believed that signs of these worrying behaviours could be beginning to show with Shona and Brad.
“Brad is a narcissist, a gaslighter and a manipulator,” one wrote on X, formerly Twitter. “I’m confused as to why this is being allowed to happen.”
DISRESPECTING PRIVACY
It can always be hard to keep a sense of personal boundaries when you fall head-over-heels for someone.
You may feel like you want to show your partner every part of your life to prove your loyal, and so they can know you as fully as possible.
But according to Annabelle, these behaviours are a slippery slope to some altogether more toxic relationship habits.
“Your partner wanting a say in what you wear, who you hang with, or even needing to know passwords to social media accounts are all signs of coercive or controlling behaviour.
“It is important to realise that these behaviours don’t usually spring out of nowhere, they take months or even years to manifest.
“Being aware of what to look out for can help to protect both you, your partner and your relationship.”
Psychologist Jade is in complete agreement with Annabelle, stating: “Individuals who try to control your movements, decisions, or beliefs” are more concerned about having a partner who acts as they like, rather than a fulfilling, mutually beneficial relationship.
She agrees that often controlling behaviours can begin subtle – things like commenting on what you wear, or sharing you phone password – but then can “then progress into controlling what you do, who you spend time with and even how you spend your money”.
LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
“Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive and manage emotions,” Jade explains.
A partner who’s emotionally intelligent should be conscious of your feelings, understand that they’re valid, and be open to discussing ways to make you feel happier.
“People with a low level of emotional intelligence might struggle to communicate, [and] be unable to pick up on your feelings or empathise,” Jade explains.
They might also struggling with self-regulating their own emotions, which means that small disagreements can easily blow up into huge rows.
Annabelle agrees, highlighting that while Brad and Shona have had “no trouble in expressing their connection through physical touch”, it needs to be coupled with an emotional connection if a healthy relationship is to develop.
“Physical connection is fantastic and such an important part of enjoying a fulfilling and contented intimate relationship,” she explains.
“However, it is not the only important part and only works when it is partnered with respect and kindness as well.”
“A healthy and mutually respectful relationship should be centred around equality, understanding and unity.
“Having open and honest conversations at the start of any new relationship about expectations and boundaries helps to combat any potential problems down the line and allows you to learn about one another, what you want to get, and what you want to give in the relationship in both a healthy and helpful way.”