My wife’s depression is taking a toll on our marriage – I’m miserable

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife stays in bed all day, and I’m starting to regret marrying her. 

She expects me to do all the housework and childcare, and I feel resentful and miserable.

I’m 40 and she’s 42. We have a three-year-old son. Our marriage is a disaster. We don’t talk, we no longer have sex and we have no family life. 

Things were fine until she got a new job in recruitment, which she finds incredibly stressful. 

She simply can’t cope and it’s made her very depressed. She started drinking too much – a  bottle every night.

She’s seen a doctor, been signed off sick, and is on antidepressants, but they haven’t really helped. 

I’ve asked her to change jobs, or to request to go part-time, but she just tells me that is not possible. 

I’m exhausted having to work full time, do all the cooking and cleaning and care for our son too. Often, I can barely function at work.

On weekends, I take our son out while she sleeps or mopes about. I can’t remember the last time I had a minute to myself.

I don’t want to divorce her – I am committed to making my marriage work, and want my son to have two parents – but we just cannot carry on like this.

DEIDRE SAYS: While your wife deserves sympathy, you also need support and help. The burden of her depression is falling on you, and this situation isn’t sustainable. 

Marriages are not always easy but  shouldn’t make life miserable. 

Talk to her and explain that something needs to change before you fall apart too. She needs to rethink the job situation, for the sake of your marriage and your son.

She also needs to go back to her doctor and admit the extent of her drinking. My support packs, Drink Problem and Dealing With Depres-sion, have more information.

You may need relationship some counselling to help you work through your feelings. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).