Seven years since their affair and I’ve made a disturbing discovery…
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband is up to his old tricks again seven years on – with the same woman.
We’ve been married for 22 years. Seven years ago my husband was made redundant and became depressed.
During that time, I saw sexual messages on his phone from a woman. I knew it was a full-blown affair. It nearly broke me, but I accepted that he wasn’t himself.
He told me he would end it and I forgave him because our daughters were young. They needed their dad.
He’s now 47 and I’m 43. I was so relieved when he got a new job and things improved.
Fast forward to a week ago and my husband seemed cagey. He told me he had to go on a training course over a weekend. It was odd. His work had never interfered with weekends before.
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Still, as I was putting a load of washing on, I asked if he wanted me to wash anything before his trip.
He reached for his favourite jeans and a scrap of paper fell out of them with the name and number of the woman he’d had the affair with seven years earlier.
He looked flustered and went red.
I was furious but he couldn’t deny anything. He said she had “called by” his new workplace. They were obviously planning to have a dirty weekend away. I don’t know what to do.
In the past, I’ve advised friends who have cheating partners that it should be a case of “two strikes and you’re out”.
So should I practise what I preach?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t worry about the advice you’ve given – focus on your relationship. I’m sure your friends want you to be happy.
You’re understandably devastated and deserve some kind of an explanation.
Ask him what was happening for him to allow this to happen and think about how you feel in the marriage.
You’re a long way from forgiving and forgetting, but you don’t sound like you’re ready to walk away either.
See a counsellor so that you can rage and cry in private. Then ask him to join you to see if there’s a marriage left to salvage.
That he has betrayed you with the same woman seven years on, suggests there are still deep issues within your relationship that weren’t addressed the first time around.
He has got a lot of work to do to regain your trust. My support pack on cheating will help.