My boyfriend’s shock death rocked me and then I found out about his double life

DEAR DEIDRE: When my boyfriend died I thought my whole world had ended, but nothing could have possibly prepared me for finding out about his secret wife and kids.

Now I can’t help but wonder if I ever really knew him at all and if anything he told was true.

I’m 41, he was 46 and we were together for two years. 

We first met at a business convention and it’s fair to say it was love at first sight. I knew from the first conversation we had something special and our relationship blossomed rapidly after. 

While we lived on opposite ends of the country we never let it get in the way of our relationship and saw each other sometimes as often as every other weekend. 

I truly did believe that we were going to build a future together and not once did any type of doubt cross my mind. 

Then one day his messages stopped all together. I contacted one of his work colleagues who we’d been out with a few times and he advised me to have a look for him on Facebook. 

I hadn’t used my account for years and was devastated to find his page had been turned into a memorial page. He’d died of a heart attack. I was devastated.

Still reeling from this news, I then saw numerous photos of my boyfriend and his family – plenty of recent posts included his wife.

I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. Not only had I lost him, but I’d lost the version of him he’d sold me. 

Now I’m not sure how to feel. While I’m still grieving him and the future I thought we had, I’m so angry and I can’t even confront him about all of his lies. 

How do I resolve these feelings? I’m so lost.

DEIDRE SAYS: Discovering a terrible secret after a partner’s death is difficult. Not only have you lost the person that you love but also the version of him that you thought you knew. 

There are no easy or quick tips for forgiving him. But, you can try weaving forgiveness and acceptance into your grieving process. 

Allow yourself to get angry, and feel bitter for as long as needed. It’s important that you process your emotions so that you can ultimately find peace and move on.

While nothing can change what he did, you can control how you deal with it.

My support pack Coping With Bereavement should help you.

Talking to a professional counsellor may help you work through your grief, allowing you more peace. Contact Cruse Bereavement (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).