I caught my husband cheating on me, but he says I’m to blame
DEAR DEIDRE: I caught my husband cheating with another woman but instead of apologising and begging me for forgiveness, he blamed me.
I’m 38, he is 42 and we have been married for 12 years. We have two kids together — one is five and the other is less than a year old.
While we had always had a good relationship, things became strained after I gave birth to our second child and fell into a deep depression.
Most days I would wake up miserable and struggle to get myself out of bed. I was crying constantly and had horrible mood swings.
Finally I visited the doctor, who diagnosed postnatal depression. My husband tried to support me but at the same time his father was diagnosed with stage-four cancer.
His illness was brutal and he died only four months later. My husband really struggled over this period and after his father’s death.
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After that, our relationship was never the same. Both of us got so caught up in our own issues that we stopped confiding in each other.
While it was a difficult time I always thought we would work through it, until one day a text popped up on his phone from another woman.
I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read through their raunchy text messages.
I confronted him instantly and he admitted to a two-month affair.
I expected him to beg me for forgiveness, but instead he blamed me for pushing him into her arms and said if I’d supported him through his grief then it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.
Now I’m at a complete loss. How could he do this to me?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Some people always play the victim, even when they are clearly the one at fault.
It’s likely your husband is feeling guilty for what he did and instead of facing the truth is deflecting as a way to cope.
But he is not being fair or supportive. Unless he takes accountability for his behaviour, things will never improve.
The best thing to do is find some time to sit him down and tell him how you feel.
It is clear that you have both been struggling and need to start openly communicating.
Read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? together and think about couple counselling.
If he still refuses to admit to his mistakes it may be best if you move on.