Doctor’s letter revealed wife cheated on me
DEAR DEIDRE: When I found a doctor’s letter saying my wife had suffered from an STI, I realised she’d had sex with someone else.
Now I finally understand why we haven’t been physically intimate in a decade, and I am devastated.
We’ve been married for 23 years. I’m 49, she’s 48, and we have two adult children.
Our relationship was wonderful at first, but after the kids came along things changed and we became more distant — which I assumed was not unusual.
But just more than 10 years ago, she went to Prague on a hen weekend with some of her close girlfriends.
After she returned, our relationship deteriorated further. She stopped all affection and our reasonably regular sex life suddenly stopped entirely.
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She made excuse after excuse, saying she was tired or had “women’s problems”. Eventually, I gave up even trying, and moved into the spare room.
Since then, I’ve been miserable but resigned to living more like brother and sister than husband and wife.
Last month, she had to go into hospital for a procedure and I asked to see the discharge letter, so I could help with her recovery.
To my horror, it said she had herpes simplex virus. I know that’s a sexually-transmitted infection.
Suddenly, I realised exactly why she had stopped all intimacy 10 years ago. She must have caught this STI from another man on her weekend away.
She has always denied ever being unfaithful.
I know if I ask her about this she won’t be honest. I can’t talk to anyone and I don’t know what to do. Worrying about this is making me sick with anxiety.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to jump to conclusions. You can’t be sure your wife cheated.
The herpes simplex virus can cause cold sores as well as genital sores, and it can lie dormant for many years – meaning your wife might even have had it before you met.
For more information, see the Herpes Viruses Association website, herpes.org.uk.
What’s clear is you are very unhappy in your marriage, and have been for many years.
You need to address this with your wife.
If you still love each other, you need to be honest, and get help to repair your relationship. I recommend couples counselling. Try tavistockrelationships.org.uk.
It would help you to talk to a counsellor alone, as well as with your wife – if she agrees.