The Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Recap: Thank You for Being a Friend
With the pyrotechnics of whatever sexual relationship happened between Adriana and Julia in the rearview mirror, this reunion limped to a boring if not satisfying conclusion. Since we haven’t had a chance to do it yet, let’s wrap up this reunion recap the way I used to always start them, by going around the horn and talking about everyone’s outfits. Let’s begin with Kiki Barth, who looks absolutely resplendent in a turquoise gown that evokes Old Hollywood Glamour in a way that every Project Runway contestant has tried to channel and ultimately failed. We should expect nothing less of Kiki, who always looks as good as a Whooper right off the assembly line. Marysol is next, and I love her ice-blue beaded gown with a weird hoop around one shoulder that looked like it was made for Judy Jetson. (Did that hoop seem to sag as the reunion dragged on, or was it just me?) Also, bonus points for showing off her knees, which became a topic of conversation.
Julia is next to her, wearing a dress of the same color and consistency. Can a dress have a consistency? I guess so because this one did. The little scarf around the neck is a nice addition and is giving opera singer, which we all know Julia isn’t, but she plays one on TV. Larsa is looking the most Larsa that Larsa has ever looked in a body-hugging pastel printed dress. It looks a little young for her, maybe even a little cheap, and it also somehow makes her face look rounder and more injectable-filled than usual. I mean, she’s stunning, but this isn’t it for me. Alexia in yellow is a knockout; the boobs are high, the color is great, and the dress is perfect. Todd is at home eating his heart out right now and probably getting out some lotion and a box of tissues.
In the middle, Andy isn’t looking too shabby. I love the scruffy and skinny look that he’s been sporting recently and the light suit is giving Miami all day. Good job to Andy’s stylist or the twink who picked out this outfit and then made out with Andy in the dressing room of Bergdorf’s. Sadly, he is next to Stephanie. What in the Elphaba’s undergarments is going on here? There is a reason Michelle Visage hates green, and it is this dress. It’s like animal print and hot pants and tassels and beads all at once. The dress is like a magic trick in that I don’t know how it was assembled, but I know I want it to stop. Since we’re on horrible and green, we’re jumping over Lisa to get right to Guerdy, who looks like she is wearing a Gamora costume she bought at a Spirit Halloween that was erected in a cursed building that you can still tell was once a Pizza Hut. The straps, the color, the fabric, everything about it was unflattering. However, props to the glam squads because both Stephanie and Guerdy were beaten for the gods.
Okay, back to the final two good dresses, which are Lisa’s steel-blue column with a slit higher than Jody when he’s been sitting in the A/C until four in the morning. It is just embellished enough to make her look like a goddess, and it looks ideal sitting down, which is what we really need from a reunion dress. At the end is Adriana, and thank god she is in a great sequined magenta dress with some floral appliques on the bosom. This is just the kind of dress she needed for her big close-ups during the reunion. It does come off as a bit informal compared to the other women, but the color on her is stunning. Wow, as I write this, I’m just now appreciating how great most of the women look at this reunion. I hate the couch-bench, however. They are all so far apart, and the curve doesn’t make it easy for them to shout across the chasm of the studio.
It’s not so bad because they don’t have that much to say. Lisa talks about the grief of losing her father, and she scolds Alexia because she threw Alexia a party two days after her mom died, and Alexia didn’t even reach out. A party? Right after the funeral? I mean, give it at least a week, sister. But as Kiki, who is always right, says, “Now we’re comparing grief?” Exactly. Be mad at your friend, but there is no one way to do this. I also don’t like that Lisa is coming after Larsa for insinuating that Jody was out of his mind because his “eyes were so wide.” I mean, this guy came on television with his buddies and their silly code word with the A/C and then expected us not to notice. That is the price of doing business on a reality show. He could have taken one night off from HVAC maintenance if he wanted to maintain his reputation as Canada’s most wholesome cooling system salesman.
The other moment that disappoints me the most is when Andy asks about when Dr. Nicole alleged on her podcast that the reason she left the show was because a certain “friend of” (cough, Marysol, cough) hired a private investigator to dig up dirt on her so that she could become a full-time cast member. Marysol just shouts, “Prove it!” and says that the reason Nicole said this was to get listeners. I’m sorry, but Dr. Nicole is still the most popular person on his show, and she wasn’t even on this season. That Marysol may have driven her off the show with her backhanded tactics, which are finally getting the attention of producers and fans, seems like a missed opportunity for Andy to pressure her more.
This final stretch of reunion feels like a bunch of stale WWHL games that never quite take off. There are questions to see if Marysol and Alexia are actually twins, but the questions are lame, and their answers are confusing and disappointing. There are people trying to teach Lisa some Spanish, and all we get is Kiki telling someone not to put their penis in her coochie, which is the most un-Kiki thing that she could say in a language that is not her own. There is an attempt to get Larsa and Lisa to make up, which seems to work, but since they were already reconciled and not really fighting during this entire reunion, it seemed nothing if not superfluous. Guerdy revisits her cancer journey and plugs her book, Julia fails to give us any interesting answers about why her daughters aren’t talking to her (and how much they hate Martina), and Stephanie still hasn’t learned that the reason Marysol and Alexia didn’t want to fly on her plane had nothing to do with her “jetiquette.” At least she didn’t use that word.
But then Andy asks the women to name one positive thing they took away from this season. Kiki says it’s that all the women on this weird circular couch are like family, no, they’re like her husbands, all looking out for her. Julia says that she had a bad season, and the only reason she got through it is because of everyone there. Larsa says she’s just happy to be there with her friends, and as long as they’re united, she’s content. Stephanie says this is one of the best experiences of her life, and though the women can’t make up for her estranged sisters, they have become like sisters to her. Alexia says she knows that they all have each other’s backs. Marysol says that she loves what she does and loves being around people she cares about … including Adriana.
But that sentiment is what makes this franchise so excellent. We always hear about a “friend group,” but it’s just a euphemism for a reality show cast. These women mean it. They are friends. They are tight. They are in the group chat and are hanging out with each other, even when the cameras aren’t on. I bet Julia sends them all the most annoying memes and there is a separate group chat with everyone but Julia where they talk shit about Julia’s terrible taste in memes. That is what comes through with these women, and, as much as them all getting along and being best buddies made the reunion end on a dud, I’d much rather have that than women at each other’s throats for three hours and leaving in a cloud of recriminations. I can’t wait for Miami to come back because, yes, they’re all my friends too.