It’s not about the winner, people. Obviously, it’s the tournament merchandise that really matters.
With that as a directive, I plowed through the merchandise tent behind the 17th tee at TPC Sawgrass with a keen eye toward fashion (as my usually wrinkled sportswriter clothes prove), price and design.
And the winners are ...
The next Tiger
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
I like this focused-but-not-angry-looking jaguar holding a club in one hand, a ball in the other and carrying a golf bag with two other clubs and a putter. Plus, he’s got a Players logo on his chest. You probably can’t go wrong even hinting at a vague connection with Tiger Woods. I also like that the iron he’s wielding looks as if the shaft may be bent slightly so maybe this big cat gets hot on the course at times. We’re the same except for the part about having earned close to $1 billion by playing golf. (T-shirt by UnderArmour, $45)
Captain America
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
I did a double take at this sweatshirt. I thought it was a logo for the Amateur Athletic Union. It’s a simple shield with a red, white and blue theme and the tournament’s founding year in the middle, 1974. A 1974 Plymouth Duster was my first car. It was metallic brown. This is simple, yet classy. And it’s not brown. (Sweatshirt by Imperial, $101)
The pink panther
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
This electric pink zip-up women’s top is dazzling and eye-catching, maybe even too classy to wear to the golf course. Its golf connection is subtle because Goldy, as the Players Championship silhouette golfer is known, is not readily apparent on the upper chest. You have to look for it a little. (Top by Lilly Pulitzer, $128)
The art of golf
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
This white T-shirt brings captures the tournament’s essence, the famed par-3 17th hole as painted by an artist. It’s got just enough detail to deliver its punchline, which is, “I was at the golf tournament and you weren’t.” That’s what these souvenirs are really all about, aren’t they? (Women’s T-shirt by Vineyard Vines, $55)
The hat-tub time machine
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
Go back to the 1970s, when the Players was born, with this pop-art style logo hat. That style of art always reminds me of “Soul Train,” pet rocks, the Beatles’ “Sergeant Pepper” album cover and bell-bottom slacks. This hat beats the hell out of the old Amana-logo hats that were common on the PGA Tour. (Hat by Pukka, $36)
Gator bait
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
You’ve got to have something for the kids. Enter this Gator sitting on a very tiny island, even tinier than Gilligan’s Island. The gator is kind of cute yet it conveys a sense of the course’s most famous hole. (Junior hat by Imperial, $39)
Les Izmohr
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
This trophy art on a gray long-sleeved shirt is the best that Goldy, the oft-criticized trophy model, has ever looked. It’s almost as if, if you missed the pun name, less is more. In fact, I would vote for this version to replace Goldy. Sorry, I’ve got to go—Goldy’s lawyer is trying to call me right now. (T-shirt by Imperial, $58)
And the undocumented winners (calling them losers would be insulting) are …
It’s a turnover
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
What happened here? Was Flava Flav’s oversized chest clock too heavily trademarked? Here’s what doesn’t go together—golf and bling. This is not what they mean when they say “links golf.” The chain links are bright blue and the cheap plastic Goldy likeness is cheap and plastic and that loop it hooks onto is the first thing that’s going to break … hypothetically, that is, because you’re not buying this. (Bling chain by unknown manufacturer, $38)
Modern hieroglyphics
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
You’ve just uncovered a mummy’s tomb and he is wearing this T-shirt with inscriptions on the back. There’s a golfer, a giant clubhouse (or possibly something in the Hilton chain), a lifeguard’s beach chair, the Florida panhandle, the area code 904, squiggly lines that might be waves or tire treads or an oscilloscope, two long-necked birds or possibly two twisted pipe-cleaners, a bridge and more. It’s a bit busy. But clearly this mummy was a Floridian. (T-shirt by Levelwear, $40)
Tropic thunder
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
This women’s hat has a beautiful rose-and-foam floral pattern, plus fetching bright pink letters on the hat that spells out “Island Green.” Everything about this hat is a winner except for the most important thing—the 17th hole is NOT an island green. It’s a peninsula green. If it was a true island green, players would have to take a boat to get there. So play the drinking game this weekend, every time an NBC announcer mistakenly calls it an island green, have a drink. And prepare to pass out early. (Women’s hat by Imperial, $36)
The Kirk Triplett line
Gary Van Sickle/Sports Illustrated
Sorry about the dated reference but former PGA Tour player Kirk Triplett was known for being just about the only guy on Tour who wore a bucket hat. This T-shirt features a golf ball with eyes wearing a bucket hat that has the Players logo on it. Do you want a bucket hat on a golf ball on a T-shirt or do you want an actual bucket hat on your head? The fact that you want a bucket hat to start with is what’s wrong with this picture. (Bucket hat by Malbon Golf, $79)
