Mirena Unveils New Intrauterine Owl To Scare Sperm Away From Eggs

WHIPPANY, NJ—Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near a patient’s eggs to scare away sperm. “This FDA-approved intrauterine owl can successfully frighten away sperm for up to eight years,” said representative Quinn Hartford, who explained that the 32-millimeter owl decoy prevented pregnancy via a motion-responsive birdcall rather than localized hormones, allowing for fewer side effects aside from a muffled hooting sound. “Once the owl is placed into the uterus by an ob-gyn practitioner, the patient can rest assured that sperm will immediately scatter away from the predator, as is their natural inclination. More than five times as effective as an intrauterine scarecrow, the IUO features lifelike eyes that illuminate the uterine lining in a menacing red glow, further disorienting skittish spermatozoa.” At press time, Mirena was reportedly forced to recall the intrauterine owls after the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declared sperm a protected species.

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