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According to U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, migrants crossing the border into the United States illegally are now required to find a lawyer to represent their case within four hours of crossing if they want to argue their exemption from the asylum restrictions enacted by President Biden on Tuesday. What do …

Beginning in Jan. 2025, Costco plans to stop selling books regularly at stores around the United States, the company deciding instead to sell them only during the holiday shopping period, from September through December. What do you think?

NEW YORK—Expressing his intention to spare no expense during his stay at New York­–Presbyterian Hospital, wealthy patient Duncan Barrow reportedly ordered three of each procedure upon his admittance to the facility Friday. “You know what, all of these surgical interventions you have look so good—I’ll just take three…

CHELMSFORD, ENGLAND—Interrupting his hushed narration about the inanimate bird’s majesty as he observed it from a small boat, an embarrassed David Attenborough reportedly realized Friday that he had just spent the past 10 minutes describing the stillness of a duck decoy. “The male mallard is a temperate…

THE HEAVENS—Despite the deity swearing He had secured “that piece of shit” properly, millions were confirmed dead Friday after God, Our Heavenly Father, accidentally dropped His air-conditioning unit out of heaven. “Oh fuck, I don’t know what happened—one minute I’m trying to prop up the AC, and the next it’s hurdling…

Boeing launched its first Starliner flight bound for the International Space Station with two astronauts on board, beginning a crucial final flight test of the years-delayed spacecraft. What do you think?

MISSOULA, MT—Despite extensive evidence collected over the course of the evening, a study conducted Wednesday was officially deemed inconclusive after it failed to identify whose water glass belonged to whom. Experts claimed that despite rigorous inquiries into matters such as “Whose is that?” and “Is that mine?” the…

BETHESDA, MD—Shedding new light on the dangers of rope tied into a hangman’s knot, a study from the National Institutes of Health released Thursday found that the suicide rate was higher among noose owners. “Some people may think they need a noose to defend their home from intruders, but the sad truth is that those…

SHANGHAI—In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began selling Uyghur Muslims for $1.49 each this week. “The special price available during this lightning deal will lower the barrier to Uyghur ownership for consumers everywhere,” a Temu spokesperson told…

A federal advisory committee voted overwhelmingly against the authorization of MDMA, commonly known as ecstasy, as a treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder, expressing concerns about the integrity of the particular trials up for review despite the treatment’s potential to transform a field with significant need.…