RFK Jr. Demands Secret Service Protection After Finding Cheez-It On Kitchen Floor

MALIBU, CA—Insisting that situations such as this compelled the federal government to act immediately, former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told reporters Monday that he was demanding Secret Service protection after finding a Cheez-It on his kitchen floor. “Today, I’m calling on the White House to move with swiftness and urgency to provide me with appropriate protection against cheese-flavored snack threats,” said the Trump campaign surrogate, who vividly described the terror he felt after he saw the baked menace lying next to his refrigerator and realized he was completely unguarded against stepping on it with his bare feet. “It missed my foot by an inch or less. Obviously, I’ve made many powerful enemies—but which one left this square-shaped cracker there? And who benefited from letting it get this close to me? Congress must answer these questions. Right now, though, I need trained agents sweeping every building I enter for floor-bound snacks to ensure this never happens again.” Kennedy went on to issue a stark warning, stating that if the Cheez-It had been extra cheesy flavored, he would be dead right now.

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