Neuralink Patient Unable To Stop Hand From Voting For Trump

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President Donald Trump. “As soon as I entered the voting booth, my hand lurched forward and marked the box for Trump,” said Shultz, explaining that every time he attempted to select Vice President Kamala Harris instead, his hand went entirely limp and he was stricken with intense, overwhelming nausea. “Eventually I swatted at my right hand with the voter information packet, and I even tried stabbing it with a ballpoint pen. That seemed to subdue it for a while, but when I tried voting for [incumbent Senate candidate] Bob Casey, my hand reached for my throat and began strangling me.” At press time, an eerily smiling Shultz confirmed his only desire was to “make America great again.”

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