The Republican candidates in tonight's presidential debate have a problem. They're used to avoiding attacks on each other by attacking the moderators instead. But tonight, they'll be on Fox Business — a channel they deliberately refused to make any demands of, for fear of upsetting Fox News chief Roger Ailes. So it looks like they'll have to start going at it mano a mano.
They're probably out of practice with this. But how lucky they are to be alive right now.
Hamilton, the hottest musical of the 21st century to date, is literally about political fights. And the Founding Fathers weren't exactly known for politeness. Furthermore, Hamilton's musical DNA lies in old-school hip-hop, with all the braggadocio that implies: Cabinet meetings are staged as rap battles. All of this is to say that Hamilton is a veritable gold mine of sick burns.
So many, in fact, that we could furnish each candidate with the appropriate sick Hamilton burn to use on (nearly) every other candidate.
Some of them sound surprisingly plausible; others we just wish were plausible. Maybe someone on Jeb Bush's staff can print out a copy for him?
Donald Trump
(Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty)
To Ben Carson, who's recently been accused of stretching the truth a few times: "Rumors only grow." (Burr to Hamilton, "We Know")
To Ted Cruz, who's not so secretly hoping he can swoop in and take Trump's support after Trump collapses: "I'm not here for you." (Angelica to Hamilton, "The Reynolds Pamphlet")
To Jeb Bush, whose brother Trump has blamed for 9/11: "Your father’s a scoundrel; and so, it seems, are you." (George to Philip, "Blow Us All Away")
To Carly Fiorina: "Talk less, smile more." (Burr to Hamilton)
On John Kasich: "YO, WHO THE EFF IS THIS?" ("Non-Stop")
On Rand Paul: "Well, he's gonna lose, that's just defeatist." ("The Election of 1800")
On Chris Christie, who got demoted to the undercard debate: "Is he in Jersey?" ("Farmer Refuted")
Ben Carson
Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call/Getty Images
To Donald Trump: "I swear, your pride will be the death of us all!" (Burr to Hamilton, "Schuyler Defeated")
To Ted Cruz: "Why do you assume you're the smartest in the room?" (Burr to Hamilton, "Non-Stop")
To Marco Rubio: "They don't need to know me. They don't like you." (Burr to Hamilton, "Schuyler Defeated")
On Jeb Bush: "He's so elitist!" ("The Election of 1800")
On John Kasich: "YO, WHO THE EFF IS THIS?" ("Non-Stop")
Ted Cruz
(Erich Schlegel/Getty)
To Donald Trump, whose support he's not so secretly hoping to swoop in and take after Trump's collapse:"You spit, I'ma sit. We'll see where we land." (Burr to Laurens, "Aaron Burr, Sir")
To Ben Carson, who's recently been accused of stretching the truth a few times:"I am not the reason no one trusts you." (Hamilton to Burr, "Your Obedient Servant")
On Marco Rubio, who can't get rid of swirling ethics rumors: "Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him." (Jefferson on Hamilton, "Washington On Your Side")
To Jeb Bush: "For once in your life, take a stand with pride." (Hamilton to Burr, "Non-Stop")
To Carly Fiorina: "Sure, Wall Street thinks you're great." (Burr to Hamilton, "Schuyler Defeated")
On John Kasich: "YO, WHO THE EFF IS THIS?" ("Non-Stop")
To Rand Paul, national security dove: "Ev'ry proclamation guarantees free ammunition for your enemies." (Burr to Hamilton, "Non-Stop")
Marco Rubio
(Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call)
To Donald Trump: "You're on your own. Awesome! Wow!" (King George III to America, "What Comes Next?")
To Ben Carson, not known for his debating skills:"Your sentences border on senseless!" (Eliza to Hamilton, "Burn")
On Ted Cruz, who many observers believe will be head to head with Rubio at the end of the race: "It's him or me. The world will never be the same." (Burr, "The World Was Wide Enough")
To Jeb Bush: "I'm young, scrappy, and hungry." (Hamilton, "My Shot")
On John Kasich: "YO, WHO THE EFF IS THIS?" ("Non-Stop")
To Rand Paul: "You are paranoid in every paragraph." (Eliza to Hamilton, "Burn")
Jeb Bush
"I'm not a scientist." (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
On Donald Trump: "Smells like new money, dresses like fake royalty." (Jefferson on Hamilton, "Cabinet Battle #2")
To Ben Carson: "Welcome to the present. We're running a real nation." (Hamilton to Jefferson, "Cabinet Battle #1")
To Ted Cruz, who didn't endear himself to GOP elites by promising he could repeal Obamacare by shutting down the government in 2013:"Frankly, it's a little disquieting you would let your ideals blind you to reality." (Washington to Jefferson, "Cabinet Battle #2")
To Marco Rubio: "He knows nothing of loyalty." (Jefferson on Hamilton, "Cabinet Battle #2")
To Carly Fiorina, whose political experience is ... slight: "Since when are you a (Democratic) Republican?" (Hamilton to Burr, "Schuyler Defeated")
On John Kasich: "YO, WHO THE EFF IS THIS?" ("Non-Stop")
To Rand Paul: "Here's an itemized list of 30 years of disagreements!" (Hamilton to Burr, "Your Obedient Servant" )
Carly Fiorina
On Donald Trump, who tried unconvincingly to compliment her after insulting her looks this summer:"You hear this guy? Man openly campaigns against me, talkin' bout, 'I look forward to our partnership.'" (Jefferson on Burr, "The Election of 1800")
To Ben Carson, not known for his debating skills:"Yo, can we get back to politics?" (Jefferson, "The Election of 1800")
To Marco Rubio, who can't get rid of swirling ethics rumors: "Upstate, people think you're crooked." (Burr to Hamilton, "Schuyler Defeated")
To Jeb Bush, famously "low-energy":"The Union gets a boost. You'd rather give it a sedative?" (Hamilton to Jefferson, "Cabinet Battle #1")
On John Kasich: "YO, WHO THE EFF IS THIS?" ("Non-Stop")
On Rand Paul, national security dove:"Everything he does betrays the ideals of our nation." (Jefferson on Hamilton, "Cabinet Battle #2")
John Kasich
On Donald Trump, whose rhetoric he's criticized: "I get no satisfaction witnessing his fits of passion." (Jefferson on Hamilton, "Washington On Your Side")
To Ben Carson, not known for his debating skills:"It's hard to listen to you with a straight face." (Hamilton to Samuel Seabury, "Farmer Refuted")
To Ted Cruz, one of many Republicans who disagree with Kasich's moralizing on Medicaid expansion:"You accumulate debt, you accumulate power, yet in their hour of need you forget." (Jefferson to Hamilton, "Cabinet Battle #2")
On Marco Rubio: "Reticent, there isn't a plan he doesn't jettison." (Hamilton on Jefferson, "Cabinet Battle #1")
To Jeb Bush: "I don't have your name." (Hamilton to Washington, "Meet Me Inside")
To Carly Fiorina, and repping Ohio:"We create. You just wanna move our money around." (Jefferson to Hamilton, "Cabinet Battle #1)
To Rand Paul: "Do you know how hard it is to lead?" (King George III to America, "What Comes Next?")
Rand Paul
On Donald Trump: "So he'd double the size of our government. Wasn't the trouble with much of our previous government size?" (Madison on Jefferson, "It Must Be Nice")
To Ben Carson: "I'm sorry, is this not your speed?" (Washington to Lee, "Stay Alive")
To Ted Cruz, whose Senate colleagues hate him:"You stand only for yourself. It's what you do." (Hamilton to Burr, "Your Obedient Servant")
To Marco Rubio: "If we try to fight in every revolution in the world, we never stop, where do we draw the line?" (Hamilton to Jefferson, "Cabinet Battle #2")
To Jeb Bush: "When you tried to tax our tea, we got frisky. Imagine what gon' happen when you try to tax our whiskey." (Jefferson to Hamilton, "Cabinet Battle #1")
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