What I Really Want To Tell My Toddlers About Our Divorce

My sweet babies,

We love you. We always have and always will.

You are perfect as you are. You are enough and you matter.

Daddy and I are separating and as much as I'd like to explain it all to you, you don't really care to listen right now. So instead, I'll write it, and maybe one day you'll read this.

Here's the truth; Daddy and I had a WHOLE LOTTA chemistry. We were drawn to each other. Daddy tells the story of our first kiss as "our eyes met, and BOOM!" That kiss started it all. That kiss was the beginning of something bigger than us both.

We started dating immediately. Our friends started a pool of when we'd be engaged. We had an undeniable connection.

Then, the night before my appointment to get a prescription for birth control, I discovered I was pregnant.

We decided to be a "WE," to try "US," to get married so when Daddy left to go to the Navy (he was in the delayed enlistment program) we could give being a FAMILY our absolute best shot.

Our marriage was based on hope. We wanted nothing more than to fall deeply in love and have a happy, healthy, thriving family together. We wanted to have a home full of love where you could grow up, test boundaries, discover who you are, and always feel supported. We tried our best and hoped the rest would fall into place.

A year and a half after V was born, we welcomed J into our family and the level of cuteness reached all new heights. Seeing you two together, building your relationship, sharing your love, and naturally bonding, has been (and continues to be) one of the best experiences of my life.

You two, and your dad, have taught me so much about love.

You taught me that I don't have to be perfect to be loved; that it's ok to have a giant hissy fit and then ask for a hug; that our capacities to love are actually endless. You have each loved me and let me love you unconditionally; and that is the greatest gift one can ever give or receive. So, thank you; I'm forever changed because of it.

What it comes down to is this; our marriage was based on hope, and our divorce is based on love.

We're almost four years into our magical relationship and Daddy and I are the best of friends. He is an amazing partner, he helps around the house, he is a wonderful father, he provides for our family. On paper, he checks all the boxes.

But, as you grow up, you'll learn, that sometimes even though everything looks good on paper, your intuition will tell you something is off. You'll know when something doesn't feel right even though nothing is actually "wrong." And it's in those moments that you have a choice to make; you either keep going hoping that something will change, or admit that you know deep inside that it's not changing.

Daddy and I agree that there's a piece in our marriage that's missing for us, and no matter how hard we work for it, we can't get it back. In fact, as we look back over the last four years, we're not sure it was ever there.

Don't get me wrong, our marriage is full of love. We truly love each other. And, we love you two more than anything. We also love ourselves, which is why we know we have to let each other go.

You see, Daddy and I believe in love and that each of us deserves to have an over the moon in-love experience, and sadly, that's not what we have.

Our separation is our mutual decision to give ourselves another shot at that kind of love.

Your Dad is wonderful and he deserves to be with someone who loves him in that over the moon way. And so do I.

While things will be changing, so much is staying the same. We're still 110% committed to you both. We're still a team. We're still working together to create the the kind of lives for all of us that make you feel SO incredibly thankful each morning.

My hope is that our separation is not interpreted as an example of bailing, because that's not what either of us is doing.

Instead, I hope what you see are two people who love each other enough to let go. Two people who know that they are worthy of over the moon in-lovedom. Two people who love each other so much that they're willing to push through the pain of change to come out as happier humans on the other side.

Thanks to you two, we will always be a family; forever linked and forever friends.We promise to always make decisions based on love, honor our intuition, and remember that we are worthy.

Please know, I have zero regrets. It's good to hope. It's good to try. And it's good to let go in the name of love. I deeply trust that the future is going to amazing and continue to be love-filled for all of us.

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