I chose to have a good sex life over becoming a mum… I will regret it as long as I live

A GROWING number of women are choosing to have children later in life, with first-time births among females aged 40-44 doubling over the past 33 years.

But what happens when you risk leaving it too late – and miss your chance altogether?

Olivia West

Supplied

When Amanda York, a yoga teacher from South East London, met James* their relationship was built on incredible sex.

He did not want children, while she was yearning to be a mum.

But, blinded by lust, she stuck by him, choosing electric love-making over babies in an increasingly toxic relationship.

Now Amanda, 49, reveals her deep regret at not walking away sooner.

SPOTTING James across the room at a crowded singles night, I knew he was my type.

I’d been single for ten years — and at the age of 42, I was ready to finally meet the man of my dreams and settle down.

James was tall, dark and handsome.

We started chatting. I ­immediately fancied him and we really hit it off.

Eventually he got distracted by a stunning blonde in a tiny corset, so he made his excuses and off he went to speak to her.

I wasn’t too bothered. In fact, I snogged someone else while he was chatting her up, but later in the night I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

At the end of the night, I made the bold move of approaching him again, asking for his number — and we met up the next weekend.

Little did I know it was the start of the biggest mistake of my life, a series of events which would leave me childless at 49.

I’m perimenopausal now and will never have my own kids due to wasting so much time with the wrong man.

I feel like the ultimate cautionary tale — what not to do if you want to create a loving family.

Looking back, I can see why I fell for James.

We clicked immediately.

We shared a sense of ­humour and both had high libidos.

From then on, life was a whirlwind of sex and excitement.

It was 2015 and I was working at a hotel gym at the time.

Thanks to my staff discount, James and I stayed in a hotel almost every weekend, spending hours making love on luxury bedding and ­guzzling champagne from the minibar.

He was highly sexed but he was romantic as well.

He knew all the right things to say.

I was swept off my feet.

James — who was in his late 30s — was living with his mum.

That would usually have been a huge turn-off.

I should have listened to my instincts but I was blinded by lust. And then, love.

Things quickly progressed and I began to see a future with James.

He was lots of fun, great in bed and seemed to be falling for me too.

But one day, we were on Hampstead Heath after a lovely lie-in and a morning of great sex.

It was a beautiful day and out of nowhere I felt something so overwhelming within me that I started to cry.

It had dawned on me that I wanted children with James.

Kids had never been on my list of priorities, but now, in my loved-up state, it became clear in my mind — I was 42 and yearned to be a mum.

“Let’s have a baby,” I sobbed.

But he was totally against it and said that we were fine just the two of us.

I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach.

In retrospect I should have walked away then.

But I pushed my feelings aside, instead apologising profusely to him for ruining the day.

The cracks started to appear fairly quickly after that.

But the power of sex is amazing — it changes your way of thinking.

In fact I didn’t think straight at all.

I began to lose myself.

I thought about him constantly, tending to his needs, making sure he was OK and neglecting myself.

I was losing my spark.

And with every passing day, I was losing my fertile years too.

I was sure he would ask me to live with him and I was thrilled when he did.

But I felt he never fully committed to me.

‘I paid the price’

After two years, we split when I realised I needed to prioritise myself.

Only I did the exact opposite.

I was absolutely heartbroken and became depressed, thin and I was drinking a lot.

After a couple of months apart, in a moment of weakness, we got back together.

We didn’t discuss kids at this point.

I was just so low, I missed him and wanted him back.

I realise now it was a huge mistake.

For the next two years, I was a shell of myself.

My friends had enough of me.

I wish they’d been a bit stricter with me.

They suspected James and I weren’t right for each other. But again, the sex . . . 

For all the bad times, our sexual chemistry was unmatched and I would try desperately to ignore that gnawing desire for children.

We complemented each other well in the bedroom, he still turned me on and now I see I was blinded by that.

I kept thinking: “We need to get back to a good place. Then he’ll change his mind about kids.”

But he never did. I tried to build myself back up, I began working on my body, which by that point was tiny, and I even entered a national bikini competition called Galaxy Girls, which I won.

But my self-worth was at an all-time low.

As I edged closer and closer to menopause I could feel myself panicking that we’d never have kids and I’d never become a mum.

The end of our relationship, five years after we met, was very ­simple.

I’d booked a yoga workshop, which we were due to go to together, and he cancelled at the very last minute.

For me, it was symbolic of our whole relationship — and I was fed up of feeling anxious and disappointed.

I realised he’d do whatever he wanted. And if he didn’t want kids, we wouldn’t have them.

All of a sudden, I was done.

The ache I had in my heart, the yearning for a baby, didn’t disappear just because James did.

I kick myself every day, wondering what had possessed me to stay.

But I learnt from my doctor there are other ways to have ­children.

I realised I don’t need a man to become a mother and it was only then that I started to look to the future.

I am now 49, so I know my chances of having a baby naturally are incredibly slim.

I’m trying to get my finances straight so I can foster children instead.

There are so many orphaned children out there that need a home and I know I’d be an ­amazing mum.

Olivia West

At 49, Amanda knows her chances of having a baby naturally are incredibly slim. She is trying to get her finances straight so she can foster children instead[/caption]

I’ve been largely single since splitting from James.

I can’t be bothered with a man.

I gave myself wholeheartedly to someone and ended up disappointed.

I stayed longer than I should have, and I paid the price.

These were my fertile years and now I’m alone and childless.

I try every day to look on the bright side.

I focus on my health and yoga and even got into ­burlesque.

I did a lot of work on myself and I’m living my life in the best way I can.

My message to other women really is: please don’t waste your time.

Men can move on and have their own kids with younger women, but we don’t have that option.

Don’t ever let sex cloud your judgment — or you could regret it for the rest of your life.

• James’s name has been changed.