Should I tell my girlfriend I cheated when I know it’ll break her heart?

DEAR DEIDRE: FROM the moment I cheated on my partner, I knew I’d made a terrible mistake and I’ve been drowning in guilt and shame ever since.

But I know telling her would break her heart.

I’m 42 and my partner is 40. We’ve been together for five years and are both divorced.

In our relationship, infidelity is the ultimate dealbreaker.

My partner’s ex-husband cheated on her, and she’s always said she could never forgive me if I did.

When we met, it took her a long time to trust me.

I swore I would never stray. But I’ve let her down, and I’ve let myself down too.

Last year, we started having money problems and arguing a lot. I felt emasculated and a failure.

One night, we had a massive row and I went to stay with my brother. He took me out to cheer me up. In the pub, I met a much younger woman, who took a shine to me.

I was flattered and drunk, and when she invited me back to hers, I accepted.

We had sex on her sofa and then fell asleep.

When I woke up — and sobered up — I realised what I had done.
I felt sick and angry with myself.

I made my excuses and went back to my brother’s house.

A week later, I moved back in with my partner. She wants to sort things out.

I want that too, but I can’t get over the guilt of my one-night stand.

I can’t sleep at night and I’m becoming very irritable.

Should I just come clean and tell her?

I know it will destroy our relationship but at least my conscience will be clear.

DEIDRE SAYS: You know that telling your partner the truth will break her heart and ruin your relationship.

Even if you feel better – briefly – she’ll feel much worse, and you won’t be happier in the long term.

That’s a heavy price to pay for a stupid mistake.

It sounds clear that you intend never to do this again and you have learned from your behaviour.

Haven’t you punished yourself enough?

But you do need to get this off your chest.

It’s important to talk to someone about it, someone who you trust, perhaps your brother.

Or, if you would rather talk to someone in confidence, you can talk to a counsellor.

You should read my support pack on this, as well as packs on Feeling Guilty and Cheating, Can You Get Over It? both of which you may find helpful too.