My fiancé refuses to get help for his trauma and it’s ruining our relationship
DEAR DEIDRE: MY fiancé refuses to get help for past trauma, and I’m worried it’s going to ruin our relationship.
I’ve suffered abuse too and I know how much therapy helps. But even though I’ve offered to go with him, he says it’s not for him.
We’re two gay men – I’m 32 and he’s 30 – and we’ve been in a relationship together for five years.
Our wedding is planned for the summer.
While our relationship is generally very happy, sometimes he can be quite difficult to live with.
He gets angry quickly without warning and snaps at me, saying very cruel and hurtful things.
Afterwards, he apologises and says he didn’t mean any of it.
I know it’s his trauma coming out.
When he was young, he was sexually abused and he was also the victim of violence in a previous relationship.
All I want is for him to move past it, so he can trust me completely and I can feel secure and happy.
He says that he has tried but talking about it makes it worse.
I know I can’t force him to go to counselling but I’m sure it would help so much.
What should I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You love him and want to help, but as you say, you can’t make him have counselling against his will.
If you did, it wouldn’t work. He needs to want to do it.
Counselling isn’t an easy process and it can be very painful – especially in the early sessions.
Perhaps this is what he means when he says talking makes it worse.
Ask if he’ll read my support pack on Counselling and give it another chance, as a different counsellor might work better for him.
But if he refuses, don’t press him. He may be ready one day.