I’m a carer – here’s the biggest regrets that dying people tell me on their deathbeds
AN END-of-life carer shared the biggest regrets people had told her about on their deathbeds – including not doing things for themselves and waiting for the “perfect time”.
Hadley Vlahos, 30, has worked as an at home end-of-life carer for eight years and opened up about the “deathbed regrets” patients have disclosed.
Hadley claims one patient told her “you can’t take it with you when you go” – referencing material objects, while another said “stop waiting for that perfect time, start now”.
Another patient said to Hadley they wish they would have “told people how much they loved them” as well as “spent less time at work and more time with family“.
Hadley was also told by a patient “do things for yourself, not for others”.
The end-of-life carer summed up five shreds of wisdom she’s picked up from patients along the years.
1. “Tell people how much they mean to you”
Hadley, from New Orleans, Louisiana, US, said: “I’ve had a lot of people tell me they would quickly say bye to someone, and their then-spouse suddenly dies.
“Or it would be the last time they would speak to friends or family.
“They say that they wish they would have told people how much they loved them.”
Hadley described how she used her patients’ final pieces of advice in her own life.
“How I applied that to my life is I might text a friend that I haven’t seen for years and tell them that they still mean a lot to me, and I send those multiple times throughout the week.
“Some people don’t reply to me, and I don’t take offence to it, but I know if something happens, I know that they know how much they mean to me.”
It’s not just people on their deathbed that remind Hadley that time is precious.
“I have young kids and a lot of time they reinforce how fast it goes by. It’s such a good reminder which is always amazing,” the end-of-life carer said.
“Every single person can teach you something. They’ve lived these entire lives. They can teach you so much.”
1. “You can’t take it with when you go”
Hadley recalled the first time she was told not to prioritise material things and focus on the now.
She said: “I remember leaving this ginormous mansion and she was in her hospital style bed realising that you can’t take things with you when you go.
“I left her home to go to another house where the walls were falling down, and she was in the same hospital bed but all that mattered in the end was the people around caring for her.
“They were both dying no matter what their money situation was.
2. “Stop waiting for that perfect time, start now”
Hadley continued: “At the same time, I was getting a lot of patients who were in their 50s and 60s and had worked their whole life and they didn’t even get to retire.”
This lead her to reflect on her own life.
“I spoke to my husband, and said it’s important to think about retirement but that now is just as important.”
While visiting another patient – who regretted not taking time earlier in life to pursue a career as a doctor – Hadley was told to “stop waiting for that perfect time, start now”.
She said: “That one was from a patient who had wanted to become a doctor, but he never did it because of the time it would take.
“He was looking back and thinking eight years was too long but then realised that eight years passes regardless.”
Hadley shared that she had been able to apply these stories to her own life for many years, but social media had given her the opportunity to share her patients’ teachings more widely.
“That’s why I love social media because these patients’ messages are getting out there to so many people.”
3. “Do things for yourself, not others”
The next regret Hadley was told came from a woman who spent her life trying to impress others.
Hadley said: “‘Do things for yourself, not others’. This woman was always concerned about what her friends thought and at the end of her life she was the only one alive and realised she didn’t do what she wanted to do.
“I asked her what she wanted to do, and she didn’t want to have to keep up and impress others.
“She said she was buying cars and houses to impress others and upgrading her lifestyle, but wishes she’d just gone on trips for herself.
“My family and I try to take a trip now every year instead of waiting for the future.”
4. “Spend less time at work and more time with family”
Hadley says she was often told by older men they wish they’d spent less time at work and more time with family.
She said: “A lot of people felt they didn’t know their kids at all.
“I think with that they thought some necessities weren’t actually necessities.
“Maybe they could have worked 40 hours instead of 60.”
Hadley believes people often don’t listen enough to the experiences of those who came before them.
She said: “I think they feel forgotten about a lot.
“I think they have very valuable stories and lessons.
“It doesn’t matter how different things were. We tend to ignore sometimes.
“I’ve learned over the years how to ask questions to get people to talk to you and sometimes it then gets the family to talk more when I leave, which I think is great.
“I don’t see my job as depressing – yes, they are dying, but they’re dying on their own terms.
“It’s not as depressing as people would think. There’s a lot of happy moments in people’s home when you’re caring for them.
“I love my job – I think that it makes a big difference.
“It’s one thing to hear someone say ‘live your life to fullest’ but it’s another to have your mortality in your face every single day. Tomorrow is not promised.”
People who’ve experienced being clinically dead have shared their experiences on Reddit.
One user said the experience was peaceful: “My world became soft and foggy and everything faded to black.”
Another described seeing their dead aunt sitting at their bedside.
A nurse recently said many people often experience “visioning” – this is when dying people, who are often fully lucid, see deceased friends, family and even pets.
And a doctor shared what exactly happens to your body as you edge slowly towards death.