My husband is ‘useless’ – we’ve got 4 kids & I do practically everything, he calls 10 times a day with endless questions
THE doesband is the modern man wives crave.
Not only does he collect the kids from school, clean the bathroom and send his mum a birthday card – but crucially, he does not need to be asked.
Alex Lloyd speaks to two mums – one with a doesband and the other with a “doesnotband” – to find out how their relationships work.
IF you asked Ellie Jackson’s husband what day their kids have PE, he’d struggle to tell you.
Firefighter Ian, 44, doesn’t even know what Lilia, 13, Evie, 11, Rafe, nine, and Audrey, six, are having for their birthdays until they open the presents.
Ellie, 43, from Looe, Cornwall, says: “He is as excited as they are waiting for them to open the wrapping to see what is inside.
“But I should have known what I was walking into.
“All the signs were there before we married 20 years ago.
“He needs a lot of reminders and his head is like a sieve.
“He tells me to write a list but that is still work for me.
“It can feel overwhelming at times because this should be an equal partnership.
“If the house is a mess, he asks me what he should do.
“But I want him to think for himself.
“I don’t have the time to instruct him.
“He will ring me eight to ten times a day with questions.
“I don’t have the brain capacity to parent him as well.”
The mum-of-four calls her other half an “ideas man” whose brain is always distracted and not focused on the task in hand.
She says: “He can do things like cooking and cleaning, but then he asks me what portion size to give the kids and the kitchen is a bomb site.
“Sometimes it just feels easier to do it myself.
“He sounds awful but he is a lovely husband and a great dad.
“The kids love him but know he is useless around the house.
“It does cause a lot of tension and make me resentful, because I feel like everything is on my shoulders.
“He is not a prehistoric caveman.
“He just won’t use his own initiative.”
Ellie believes their career paths might be a factor — she is a self-employed author of the Wild Tribe Heroes series and Ian works shifts on-call.
She says: “I’m one of six siblings so we all had to pitch in.
“But Ian’s mother died when he was 15 and he didn’t have that role model. He also used to get paid for doing chores.
“That’s one thing we disagree over — he wants to give the kids money for housework but I think they should all help out.
“He also wants praise when he does an everyday task like unloading the dishwasher.”
Ellie adds: “Having children is chaos, trying to remember who has what activity or play date on what day.
“I carry that mental load and it is so boring.
“I am spinning so many plates, I can’t allow myself to rely on him.”
Ian says: “I am happy to admit I am useless.
“I can’t think more than one step ahead — and Ellie is already on step three.
“With four kids it is constant logistics and I can’t always keep up.
“Ellie’s efforts are absolutely appreciated and it is noticeable on weekends when she is not around how quickly the standards go down.
“I hope I bring other benefits to the family.
“The kids are always keen for a daddy day out, not least because I forget to take a packed lunch and let them choose their own instead.”
‘Doesband‘
When Sarah Drage forgot to organise someone to collect her daughters after school, she called her husband in a panic.
“I was working and it suddenly hit me that they would be waiting at the gate,” says the 33-year-old from New Romney, Kent.
“But when I spoke to Reece, he was already driving them home.
“He’d put it in his diary because he knew I would be busy, without me asking.
“I feel very lucky because I know so many women who carry all the mental load but we have a genuine partnership.“
“In fact, I’d say it is more 60/40 and he has taken on more than his fair share.“
He’s the one reminding me to call the doctor or if it’s non-uniform day at school.”
Sarah was just 22 and Reece two years older when she got pregnant with their eldest daughter Esme, now ten.
“At the time, we were living with his parents,” says Sarah, owner of content creation company Ethical Creatives.
“We were thrown into real adulthood very quickly.“
But as soon as he saw our baby, Reece knew he wanted to set her a good example.
“We saved up to buy our house and everything since has been a real team effort.
“Reece is reliable and very self-motivated.
“I don’t need to nag — I don’t feel like his mum.“
He does the majority of the school runs around his shift work as a nuclear operator and running his own second business installing solar panels.
“He books dental appointments and eye check-ups for the kids without prompting.
“On Mother’s Day, we ended up with two presents and cards for his mum because we had both bought one.”
Sarah admits there are times when Reece even has to nag her.
She says: “The other day he said to me: ‘I’m not having a moan, but can we make sure the kitchen is tidy before we go to bed’.”
The couple got married nine years ago and have had a second daughter, Sienna, eight.
Sarah believes the fact Reece, 35, shares the load is one of the reasons their relationship has thrived.
She says: “Our lives are very busy but we manage by being equal.
“There have been some very tough times but this partnership has made us more resilient than other couples.
“As well as my work, I’ve set up a charity based around my experiences of my dad being an alcoholic and dying when I was young.
“I’ve also suffered with mental health problems over the years.
“I couldn’t do any of this without knowing we are a proper team.
“He really is my rock.”
Reece says: “I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up and although my grandad was a builder, he always chipped in around the house and cared for the grandkids.
“So it doesn’t seem anything out of the ordinary to me.
“In this day and age, you need both halves of a couple to work to pay for your needs — so you need to split the other tasks too.
“Everyone is individual, there’s no right or wrong way if you are happy.”
“But for us, working as a team is the best option.”